Oh snap.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Today I have been very paranoid, afraid of being sick. I have a rash on my arm, it's got to be cancer. I ran out of breath walking up the stairs, I'm sure I have some kind of heart defect. I have a sore spot on the side of my head, brain tumor. Ridiculous, yep! Exhausting, so very, very exhausting.

If you have ever experienced a depression you know the feeling of not physically being able to do a simple chore. I stare at the pile of dishes that needs to be done but I have lost the button for the part of my brain that will let me do that. I realized today why this happens to me, my brain is far too busy being paranoid. If my brain were a room and I stood on one side and the sink was on the other there are about 10 000 people in the middle. Not only are there people but they wont stop talking and I can't get through them.

Why are there so many people? Because I was thrown into a panic. I found myself in a situation that was new for me, I found myself exposed and I didn't know what to do with it. There is a part of me that says "Yeah! Let's do this!" but the rest of me tries to run.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I have a need to be sick. I don't know who I am if there is not something wrong with me. If there is something wrong with me then people care about me. If people care about me I feel satisfied. Nope, not satisfied, latched on. If I can latch on then I will have a boat of new problems that need my attention. If I have more problems I panic and part of me tries to run away and then I get paranoid and sick.

Having something to cope with is my coping mechanism and let me tell you it is awful. It makes days like today feel like they've lasted a week.

I am so tired of feeling this way, I am so tired of being tired.

With all of that being said you shouldn't be surprised to learn that I am an egomaniac. I need so desperately to be needed that I spend most of my time thinking about me. In my mind I am much larger than I am in real life.

That was a hard one to swallow.

So are the days of my life.