It's been a long time since I've written anything. I thought it was because there was nothing worthy happening, but then I realized that there has been so much that I wouldn't even know where to begin. Do you want to know where that got me? In a big heap, falling to pieces on the living room floor.
I thought that I was feeling better and that I didn't need to do this anymore, I thought that I had experienced some form of transcendence that brought me above my problems. In part that was true, I was above my problems and I could see them but what I didn't know was that I wasn't going to stay up there forever. I landed hard, and immediately got confused. I had spent so much time living in another place that I had forgotten my "real" life, my physical life. It has always been my thing to often find myself in a dream like state, pondering life's mysteries, not life as a global existence but my life as my own self absorbed place of being. When I take off into that place I am always the most important and everything revolves around my feelings. I don't know why this happens but I have a few theories; I am addicted to heart ache, pain in the heart is the only true sign of life and this is what I am sure to experience every time I come back down. I don't want to face real life, life doesn't like me and I'm really not very fond of it most of the time. Perhaps I have suffered so much self neglect in this life that I actually need to do these things, I just haven't figured out how to merge everything together into one life.
It has also been difficult and rather amusing for me because I have been expanding my boundaries and let me tell you how hard that is. Most of the time I don't even want to open up to myself let alone someone I have just met, but I want to so I try. Now here is the amusing part, when I try I act like a crazy person. For so long I have kept myself guarded for fear of so many things that I wouldn't even know how to begin explaining them. Until one day recently I was out for coffee and during an amazing conversation I realized a gift is no good if it's never given. We in ourselves as people are the greatest gift we can give each other; kindness, support, love, honesty are our heartbeats in this ever changing world. I was pumped because in theory, this was amazing news, I was free to share. So I did, I opened myself and said here it is, the good the bad and the ugly, I have been attempting that here for awhile, but it's different when it's not actually at someone. Open, honest, true and amazing and then it hit me, intense panic and pain the likes of which I have never known. I couldn't understand what I was doing. On the surface I'm pretty good, I'm a go with the flow, roll with the punches kind of girl but once the shell has been removed everything is soft and tender and unknown for the most part. This is where the crazy person comes in because now that I'm out I can't find my way back in so I'm running in circles not sure what to do, so I keep sharing. The pain is so intense, when you are this vulnerable everything hurts a lot.
I don't want to stop sharing and I am so lucky to have people willing to put up with me and my ever changing madness. To those of you who are know me and have been crazy enough to stick it out, I am so grateful for you and the happiness you bring. For those of you that don't know me and still find me even a little bit interesting, thank you for being here.
I have a feeling that over the next few weeks things are going to get interesting.
I would also like to acknowledge that this writing is crap and every time I have tried for the past few weeks all I keep saying to myself is, this is crap, so I delete and move on. I have to do this, crap or not. I have to remind myself why I started in the first place, and because I am so self obsessed at the moment I think that everyone will think this is crap. So there you have it.
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