Dear Diary,
I originally intended on starting this post emphasizing how awful my days was but something amazing happened. As you know I started an insane babysitting job today, and I knew it was going to be hard but it has less to do with the responsibility of watching 5 children all under 5 and more to do with the way I handled myself. By the end of the day I seriously hated my life and wanted to run away and hide in a deep closet somewhere and forget everything I thought I wanted.
I have to go back a day to make this make sense. Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine that told me not to rely on emotion but on your deep feelings. I heard it and it made sense however I didn't know what the difference was. What is the difference between emotion and deep feeling? I had always thought that they were pretty much the same thing. So yesterday I asked that question aloud, "what is the difference" and today I learned. Had I acted on my emotion I would have crawled into that closet and never come out, I would have given up my dream of being in Germany in August and I would have decided that I was far too affected to go back to any job ever.
I also realized the importance of my friends and the people that I love. I realized what it is like to have people of many different personalities in my life and how important it is that they're not all the same. I have people who let me talk without saying anything or easily back away when I express too much anxiety. I have people who remind me what it means to desire something and what it is to learn and grow. There are others who will agree with anything I say, regardless of how true it actually is, and still those who just know, those who provoke questions. I need all of those things at some time or another.
My day was intense and difficult in so many ways and I am not looking forward to tomorrow but at least for this moment I am moving on my deep feelings. I know why I am doing this, I know that it's not going to be easy in any way but I want it. The day I got the job the timing was perfect and that wasn't something I could ignore, this is the way I am supposed to go and I have to remember that. Life is about making decisions and those decisions lead to more decisions that lead you where you want to go. Right now when I think about how badly I hate doing this job and how I wish I wasn't doing it, the only thing that comes back in my mind is "what are you willing to do to get it? How important is this to you?"
I had a feeling today that I needed to wait to decide what I was going to do until I had a conversation with a particular person and I am so happy that I followed that feeling because it was this conversation that cleared my mind. When I came home today I asked for confirmation that I was doing the right thing and that confirmation came in the form of a phone call.
This is going to be crazy! Perhaps tomorrow I will write in the heat of my freak out and we can see the difference.
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