These posts are really becoming less and less and I think I know why. I may have said this before but it is easiest to be honest about things when you're being honest about things that aren't really a big deal. I can tell you that I am a coward and I'm ok with that, I can tell you that sometimes I hate looking at my own face and I'm ok with that. The reason I'm ok with that is because I am sure that most people on this earth feel the same at one time or another.
Here is something that I have learned in this process of self discovery, it sucks. Self discovery for me isn't all zen and peaceful, it is violent and scary. I haven't really discussed it with many people so I'm not sure of the way others experience this but it is definitely something that would be easier to give up. Let me try to illustrate how this feels, I have written this before, it feels like I'm standing in a room full of people who are all trying to talk to me at once. I have no idea what anybody is trying to say because I can't hear them, if everyone would just stop talking and sit down then we could get to these things one at a time. But this isn't the way things are working here, everything wants to be heard so desperately that they are all crawling on top of each other to get to the front of the line which only makes things worse.
These days at best I am sketchy, confused, irritated and ultimately broken, but it's not all bad.
With the help of some people that I love very dearly I also know what makes me good, well they tell me and I try to believe them. I'm not ready to talk about the good things quite yet. Isn't it sad that so many of us have been convinced that speaking highly of yourself means that you are conceited? I don't know many people who willingly accept compliments even if they do believe them.
I am in a constant state of panic, worried about being loved, giving love, giving too little or giving too much. When I speak am I really me or am I one of my many versions of me? There are so many things flying around my mind right now that I can't grasp anything. I feel like a dog walking in circles looking for a place to sleep but I never find it. Right this very second I have realized something else, when I think about things that make me uncomfortable or sad or inappropriate I start humming. I am completely aware and actually distracting myself so I don't think about it. I'm sure that's not really helping anything.
That is why I am finding it harder and harder to write, I can't even find my thoughts. I am so busy distracting them that most of me is numb to most things, except love which is also becoming increasingly more difficult. I don't know how to love without desperation or panic, at least I don't think I do.
Welcome to the ramblings of a crazy person.
Here is what I do know, I love music, I know I love laughing, I know I love good conversation. The hard part about the things I love is that it makes me high maintenance. I need love, excitement, emotion, romance and tragedy to feel worth something and that is an expectation I can't put on anybody else, not if I'm being fair. Let's face it, fair isn't one of my strongest points. I could, and do, spend entire days buried in music but because no one can match my passion I choose to do it alone. Laughing is pretty amazing, I know some of the funniest people and I am easily amused so I can watch the same part in Step Brothers a million times over and still laugh until I cry. As for conversation, my friends know that I have no problem talking or listening but my imagination takes me to a new world where conversation is about art and dreaming. It is very rare that I talk about anything serious, unless we're counting my days of pure self obsession. I like to talk about what it would feel like to stand on the highest peak of the highest mountain and scream or what it might be like to fly on the back of an eagle and feel the wind in your face. I have very obvious issues with reality but I'm not even sure if it is reality or everyone else's idea of reality. Now I'm confused again.
All I know is that when I am resting on these crazy notions or when I am in my music, I am free from everything. My mind tells a story and I let it flow. It may not be reality on the outside but it is reality on the inside and I think that's what I want.
In closing, I am nuts.
P.S. I hate caring about grammar and punctuation.
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