Dear Diary

I got a feeling that today would be a good day to start a diary and I thought it might be fun to share it here.

Dear Diary,

Something incredible happened today, I made a decision that has changed my life. I have been living for so long sheltered and held back because I'm afraid of pretty much everything and today I decided to take a leap of faith. Now this isn't a hopscotch kind of leap, it's a close-your-eyes-and-jump-off-of-the-mountain kind of leap and it makes me sick to my stomach.
There are so many things that I want in this life and I like to bitch about it when I can't have them. I am like a small child taking a temper tantrum because there is always something that stops me from getting these things. It is always somebody else's fault and I have given up power of my own life to circumstance, and we all know what a bad idea that is. I have always been satisfied just thinking about what I want and then getting mad that I don't have it and letting that ridiculous circle continue. That changed today and I'm really hoping that it will last longer than a day. Another thing that I'm big on is getting really excited about something and making the plan of the century to accomplish whatever that something happens to be, but that has never lasted longer than a couple of days.
So what all of this is leading up to is that I am going to Germany in August. I don't have my passport and I have no money but I'm going. I made that decision yesterday, I mean I really made that decision, it was a declaration; I AM GOING TO GERMANY IN AUGUST!
In order to do this I realized that I had better get a job, actually I didn't realize that a friend helped me figure it out. Anybody that has read anything I have written previously knows that I am not currently employed because I have issues with anxiety specifically social anxiety so in any case I would rather shoot myself in the foot than go to work.
When thinking and panicking about the idea of having to go back to work I knew that this trip would be far more rewarding if I was able to do it knowing that I earned it. I am tired of expecting things to happen without any real effort on my part. I want to be challenged and I am so blessed to know people who do that, people that wont let me rest comfortably in my pile of self loathing.
The very same day that I made that declaration I came home and decided it was time to start looking because the longer I wait the less I'll have, I only have three months to save. I found an add for a babysitter needed desperately and thought that was right up my alley, I have kids of my own so really it would just be adding another person to my day. It was perfect, the hours, the pay everything was perfect for me and then... Twin 14 month old boys and a four year old boy plus my own four year old, it is across town and I have to be there every morning at 7:30 am. I kind of started to freak out when I started thinking about it to the point that I was mad at everything.
It was beautiful timing and encouraging words that helped me find peace. Sure I will be underpaid considering the job, I will be tired and I will probably be on a murderous rampage for the first couple of days and it wont be easy, but what am I willing to do to get what I want? Doing this job will give me exactly what I need, no more and no less, not only will I get the money I need but it is going to push me to grow.
I don't start until Monday so I have a couple of days left to really think about how crazy I actually am.
Know what? I'm not even going to proof read this. The end.