I don't even know

...

I don't even know where to start today, I guess that's one of the problems with not writing for three days.

I think that the decision not to write this weekend was a very important one, I think it had to happen. It was Saturday when things really started to change. Have you seen the Untied Way commercial when that guy is sitting on the street and his skin starts to break, he starts peeling all over and he crawls out of the shell that was the old him? Well that is what this felt like.

I have come to realize that the anxiety that was hanging over my head last week was not a sign of something bad, it was a sign of something different. It's as though there is something in you that knows things are going to change but you don't know how or when so it stresses you out.

Loving with more than words is too hard. That was my revelation.

It started on Saturday when I was at the grocery store. We had just finished shopping and I wanted to run into the dollar store, as I was crossing the parking lot I heard someone grunt and I turned around to see an old man lying face down on the pavement. My stomach turned and I ran to where he was. He had a really big gash on his face, and on his arm and hand as well. The staff at the grocery store came out and took care of him but even as I walked away I knew this was something I wasn't going to be able to shake off.

I love to love, I want nothing more in this life than to love so that people know what they truly mean. There are times that the love I feel for another is so strong that it causes me physical pain, my heart aches and I want to squeeze them and tell them how much I love them. Unfortunately, it usually happens with strangers, as it did that day with the old man in the parking lot. It was that evening I realized how afraid I am to love people.

When I was growing up love was a word used often but that's all it was, a word. I was also taught that kindness was best when other people were looking.

At first I thought that my fear of loving was perfectly normal considering where I had come from, where love was more like desperation. But it's not what other people can do to me that I fear, people have done enough already and I've learned how to deal with it. It's what other people can do to themselves that scares me, or maybe just what life can do to them. It seems that most of the time the love I feel comes with a sadness, I don't really understand it or know why, it just does. The funny thing is that it doesn't happen with the people I know, only strangers. When it comes to the people I know, I am so afraid that I will fail and my love wont mean anything anymore. There is no fear in love but there is fear in pain and far too often love and pain stand next to each other.

This all feels like it's all over the place. I was shown something, a single sentence really and it rocked my world but I don't know anything about it yet. So I guess for now that is all.