Psychiatrists are stupid

Psychiatrists are stupid.

I have been seeing my psychiatrist for about seven months now and I am no farther ahead then I was when I started. It all started with "that day" at work, I started seeing my family doctor first, had a social worker with the outpatient program with the mental health clinic and then I was referred to my psychiatrist.

It took three people to figure out that I was depressed and anxious but not crazy. As usual it all starts way back with a dysfunctional family, poor coping skills and a general lack of self respect. I have been on meds for that for nearly a year and it's all working out quite well, or so I thought.
As far as the day to day, things are pretty "normal". I have my days when I can't find the will to get dressed but I think that a lot of people have that at some time or another. Today something was exposed and I'm still not quite sure what it is.

My last appointment with my psychiatrist was about three weeks ago and it was quite revealing. In just over one month we claimed bankruptcy, lost our house, our car and my Gramma passed away, on Christmas morning. Now those are pretty heavy life events but I handled them well, I cried but no more than a normal person would in the same situation. I didn't get depressed (in the case of our bankruptcy I was kind of excited to start again.), I wasn't "down in the dumps" as they say. I reacted like a human being, a normal, functioning, human being.

It was when I realized this that things started to get really interesting. My whole life, at least as long as I can remember, I have been a bit of a paranoid person and quick to stress. When I was 16 my friends would tell me that if I didn't relax I would be grey by the time I turned 20. It seems that quite often we accept these things as personality traits, it's just who you are. It was at my last appointment that I decided that was not at all true.

I have always been afraid of the dark, seriously terrified. I can't walk through my own house in the dark, if the power goes out I have a panic attack, I can't sleep with the closet or the bathroom doors open, I have to either go to bed when someone else is still awake or sleep with the light on if I want any chance of actually sleeping. I have intense panic attacks even if someone says certain words like ritual or demon. I am afraid that even if I think these words that something will happen. If I start to run just because I want to move quickly I panic and think that there is something I'm running from. I am afraid to close my eyes in the shower, I can't meditate because I fear silence. I see an old man fall and I can't stop myself from remembering every few hours, I imagine what I will do if there is a fire/burglar/zombie sometime in the night. I have gone so far as to get out of bed and check all of our outlets, doors and windows, and make sure all of the curtains are closed. It is so bad that I toss in bed for anywhere between two and four hours before I fall asleep.
That's a lot of stuff, so I told my psychiatrist that I needed help, that I realized that this wasn't funny or silly, it was real and scary.

She told me that all she could do at the time was to give me a sedative to make sure I fall asleep and refer me to an anxiety clinic where they could help me because what I was suffering from was a specific phobia which can't be treated with medication. When I left her office I was so excited at the idea that there could actually be a solution and maybe I could one day sleep without a light or walk through my own house without fear. She told me that the waiting list was really long, nine months to a year, but I didn't care at least it was something more than nothing.
So I've been taking my pills like a good patient and I've even been going to bed crazy early to make sure I get enough sleep (or to make sure that Ryan is awake so I can relax and be asleep before everything was shut down for the night). The pill has been awesome, it totally knocks me out which is great because even if I have to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, the dopiness I feel far outweighs the fear. The fear isn't gone but I've rendered myself incapable of feeling it.

So yesterday my psychiatrist's receptionist called to tell me that the anxiety clinic denied me because they felt that what I was dealing with was a mood disorder not an anxiety disorder. Seriously. I told the receptionist that I needed an appointment as soon as possible so I could speak with the doctor about it so she put me on a cancellation list. Again this morning she calls and tells me that the doctor said that she has no control over the decisions they make so I should try contacting the family counselling centre or the hospital to see if they can help. My doctor is telling me to seek my own treatment because apparently she's done enough. Seriously. I don't even understand why she's ok with this, so she is prepared to leave me undiagnosed, she's not even trying to help.

I am so frustrated, and scared, and tired. I don't want the people who are helping me to be satisfied just doping me up because I don't want that. When it was something temporary just until I got the chance to be treated by someone who could help I was ok with it, even excited to get some sleep. Now it's no so awesome, knowing that she's willing to just leave me here like this.


Psychiatrists are stupid.