I feel new

Today I feel new

Today has been a pretty strange day for me, in a good way!

I felt loved, there are people out there who are going above and beyond for me and I love them so much for that.

I just ordered the most amazing dress (pictured here) for my "surprise" birthday party, oh and the shoes too! I am so excited to get them, this was made possible by the same people mentioned above.

I went to a tanning salon for the first time in my life and it was AMAZING! I have always been very judgemental about the people who use tanning beds and for that I am sorry.

I exercised for 40 minutes today, and everyday since Monday which is very much unlike me.

I made the decision to join a gym, I sign up tomorrow!

It's funny how life seems to come in waves, just a couple of days ago I felt really crappy about myself. I was scared, insecure and depressed. It took everything I had to walk into the gym today just to get information. I always feel out of place, like I'm fooling myself, so I rarely do anything that I am unfamiliar with which leads to a predictable life.
It was just as big a deal for me to walk into the tanning salon and ask for help. I've always been afraid of things like that. When I was in my early teens I wouldn't even order my own food at McDonalds because I felt like a fool. When I worked at a grocery store there was no way that they could get me to use the loud speaker, I am so afraid of looking like an idiot but not in the ways you would expect. I am fully willing to make a fool of myself, I do it often and it's fun. It's those times when I am trying to be serious that I really fear and I try to make sure that it doesn't happen often. When someone takes my picture I make a dumb face on purpose so people can laugh when I want them to, if I take a serious picture and they laugh what happens then?

It's amazing for me to realize how truly selfish I am and not in the "I-want-everything-for-myself" way but in the "I-never-stop-thinking-about-myself" way. It's odd to be selfish and dislike yourself at the same time, we usually think of someone who is very conceited and frivolous as being the selfish one. If I give these thoughts any time they spread rapidly and I go from being afraid to walk into the gym to fearing what we will have for supper because someone might get hurt by a boiling pot of water.

It's becoming very annoying and inconvenient.