First order of business

Dispel the thought that New Year resolutions are never kept. Perhaps this was true in the past, but that doesn't mean it is the truth today.

Give up feeling embarrassed at the idea of making and discussing New Year resolutions. Saying things like "Yeah, I know I said the same thing last year..." or "I know it's silly, but..." sets you up to fail. You are allowing yourself to disregard what ever it is you resolve to do in the first place. It is not silly or stupid.

This is getting serious

I realize that there are very few people who actually read what I write, and that's ok. At this point I am stuck in a place where I feel helpless and this helps me feel like I am at least trying to do something good.


The other day I wrote about the seriousness of bullying and it seems as though I have been given new eyes and everything looks different.


It started a few weeks ago when I started hearing about the devastation of the recent teen suicides. The idea that there are still so many bigots out there really surprised me. I know it seems naive to think that way but because all of the people I know are so beautiful and kind I just assumed that the rest of mankind was the same, or at least on their way.

Even after hearing about all of the terrible things that have been happening, I decided that these we still isolated incidents. Now that  I believe was truly naive. There is a part of me that is quite disappointed in myself for not seeing these things, not recognizing it earlier. As an adult, I was ignorantly unaware of what was happening.

It didn't really hit me until the other day after I watched 'Glee' and I was on their Facebook page to leave a comment on a video. I started by reading the comments ahead of my own, I don't like to post something that repeats what someone else said. As I read I saw with 'new eyes' and I was shocked.

In order to really understand you have to know the show or at least have an idea what it's about. For anyone not interested in TV I will explain; it is about a high school glee club and we watch them deal with what it is like being a teenager and a human being, through song. On last weeks show a few things happened that seemed to upset some people to the point of renouncing the show. Two female cheerleaders made out, and a boy in a wheel chair lost his virginity. You would be amazed at the ruckus this caused, or maybe you wouldn't. People made comments about the show turning trashy, and others were upset that they can 'no longer watch the show with their 11 year old daughter'. I have a few things to say about that:

1) The show is rated TV-14 so chances are your 11 year old daughter was already seeing things that maybe she shouldn't, if that's the kind of thing you worry about.

2) Let's recap what happened last season, shall we? Quinn, a young woman (I don't know, maybe 17) who was president of the celibacy club got pregnant and lied about who the father was. They made cupcakes with marijuana in them to sell to students to raise money. In a dream sequence three couples, one of which was a teacher and a guidance councillor, made out and prepared to have sex while singing Madonna's 'Like A Virgin'. The principal was blackmailed with a suggestive photo of him and another teacher (it was a joke and we all knew that, I think it's the blackmail that could be seen as an issue).  Please don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about the show or trying to point out things that are bad, it happens to be my favourite show and I wouldn't miss it.

The reason I bring it up is because after all of the things that happened in the first season, it seems absolutely ridiculous that anyone would be upset by a couple of chicks making out and a kid in a wheel chair loosing his virginity. This is bigotry, whether people want to realize it or not. I think that the scariest thing is that they don't see it.

Today I saw a video that comes from the USA, an address given by a councillor Joel Burns from Fort Worth. I have put it on here so that you can watch it if you choose. When I saw this video three things happened; First I bawled my eyes out, then had a sensation as though my heart was being torn from my chest, changed and then put back never to be the same again, and then I got really, REALLY angry.

We are losing our children, our babies. 11 year old boys shooting themselves because they don't want to endure ridicule. 13 year old boys who, because of their sexuality (or assumption of), are harassed so badly that they decide the best thing they can do is to hang themselves from a tree in their yard. This has to stop, now.

I know what it feels like to feel abandoned by those who are supposed to protect you. No child should feel unwanted, unloved, or unimportant ever.

Please take 13 minutes to watch this video.

A New Day

How do you choose who you love? How do you choose who you hate?

Everyday thousands of children are bullied and this isn’t ‘A Christmas Story’ kind of bullying, it is neither justifiable nor funny.

Have you ever asked your child what they know about bullying? Has it ever occurred to you that this is an issue worth being discussed often and in detail?

As adults we have a responsibility, not only to our own children, but to all children. We are supposed to be there to protect them from these things. Not only do we need to protect those being bullied, but the bully as well. The bully mentality starts at a very young age and we CAN change that.

Our children need us to stand up for them; they need us to teach them what to do if they are being picked on and how to feel good about themselves. Most children who pick on others do so because their own self esteem is very low and they get attention, even praise when they pick on others. We need to open up to our children, share our own experiences and make sure that they know that they are amazing, just the way they are.

There are too many children lost to suicide each year because they feel so alone and need help. Too many children fall into depression because they don’t know what to do. I’m not a fan of ‘anti’ anything so I don’t like using phrases like ‘anti-bullying’ I like to think of it as being proactive, I am ‘pro-self-respect ‘. Let us be ‘Pro’s’ together.

We are losing too many beautiful children to something that can be prevented.

For more information on bullying and how to help, please visit:

www.bullying.org

http://www.edu.gov.on.ca/eng/safeschools/registry.html

For those being subject to abuse for being gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgender or questioning their sexuality:

www.thetrevorproject.org

www.noh8campaign.com

Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will scar me deeply.

Unload

Another inconsistency in my writing I know. One thing I know I am is consistently inconsistent.

Why is it that I feel that I know more than others? Or why is it that I decide that I don't like someone I just met because of the sound of their voice. I could sit here now and find a thousand reasons to justify both of those things but the real truth is that there is no justification for either.

I have a deep desire to be better than other people. I want to be prettier, I want to be younger, I want to be smarter and if I try hard enough I can convince myself that all of those things are true. I can find pride in all of these things. Here are some of the things I found myself thinking today:

"I have two kids and you only have one so I know more than you."
"You have three kids and I have two but my oldest is five years older than any of yours, I know more."
"You eat too much junk food, I make real meals."
"I don't know why you keep talking to me, clearly I don't like you."
"Stop lying to everyone because I know you have no idea what you are talking about."

Those are the ones that stick out most clearly in my mind. I am not going to pretend that this is all new for me or that I just started thinking this way. I have just started practising detached awareness and really listening to myself think and speak. I have been quietly observing the way I look at other people and how I respond to them.
I would now like to translate my above thoughts into what they actually mean:

"I wish that I was as good a mother as you."
"My oldest is five years older than yours and I have no idea what I'm doing."
"I eat so much junk food and I hate myself for it. I like to try and nourish my family properly but most often fail."
"I am so consumed with my own self that I have nothing to spare for you."
"It stresses me out that you know what you are talking about because I am so confused."

It is amazing what some time alone with your thoughts can do. I don't say these things because I want anyone to correct my thinking. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am only telling the truth as I see it at this moment.
The only thing I know for sure is that my greatest desire is to be better at being me. I want my actions, my reactions and my life to match what I know is in my heart. I am becoming a stranger to myself and I think it is the best thing that could be happening to me.

So Many Faces

It's been a long time.

The other day I got an e-mail called "The Faces of Meth" in it was an attached website with before and after mug shots of people who are on Crystal Meth. I knew what I was going to see as I have seen it many times before but nothing could prepare me for what I would feel.

I cried, not only for the people in these photos but because of how exposed I felt. I looked into their eyes and saw me, and you. They are us and we are them. The only thing that separates us is a decision and after that another decision, a series of decisions that led them deeper and deeper into despair. For just a second can you imagine what it would feel like to feel so alone, afraid, hurt and hopeless that only the promise of forgetting who you are could make you want to continue living?

Do you think that anyone wakes up one morning and says "Hey, I think I'd like a life of drugs, lies and shallow promises of something better."? It's not an all-at-once decision, and I'm not only talking about Crystal Meth, I'm talking about drugs, alcohol, abuse, depression and so many other things that bring about a false sense of security, control and hope and strip you of anything that is real.

It's about being a prisoner, held captive by yourself without any real acknowledgement that you hold the key to your own release.

When I looked into the shallow, glazed eyes of these people I saw what resides inside, but they wore it on the outside. I saw what lives in me on their strung out, scabbed and bruised faces. I am held prisoner by my own guilt and longing for a life free from the haunting memories and faces that live in my mind.

Now I have the opportunity to make a decision and I know where I want to be; right here, right now, living, loving and growing.

I have never been so grateful for the people and abundant love in my life.

Sometimes the best things come in the worst packages

Dear Diary,

I originally intended on starting this post emphasizing how awful my days was but something amazing happened. As you know I started an insane babysitting job today, and I knew it was going to be hard but it has less to do with the responsibility of watching 5 children all under 5 and more to do with the way I handled myself. By the end of the day I seriously hated my life and wanted to run away and hide in a deep closet somewhere and forget everything I thought I wanted.

I have to go back a day to make this make sense. Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine that told me not to rely on emotion but on your deep feelings. I heard it and it made sense however I didn't know what the difference was. What is the difference between emotion and deep feeling? I had always thought that they were pretty much the same thing. So yesterday I asked that question aloud, "what is the difference" and today I learned. Had I acted on my emotion I would have crawled into that closet and never come out, I would have given up my dream of being in Germany in August and I would have decided that I was far too affected to go back to any job ever.

I also realized the importance of my friends and the people that I love. I realized what it is like to have people of many different personalities in my life and how important it is that they're not all the same. I have people who let me talk without saying anything or easily back away when I express too much anxiety. I have people who remind me what it means to desire something and what it is to learn and grow. There are others who will agree with anything I say, regardless of how true it actually is, and still those who just know, those who provoke questions. I need all of those things at some time or another.

My day was intense and difficult in so many ways and I am not looking forward to tomorrow but at least for this moment I am moving on my deep feelings. I know why I am doing this, I know that it's not going to be easy in any way but I want it. The day I got the job the timing was perfect and that wasn't something I could ignore, this is the way I am supposed to go and I have to remember that. Life is about making decisions and those decisions lead to more decisions that lead you where you want to go. Right now when I think about how badly I hate doing this job and how I wish I wasn't doing it, the only thing that comes back in my mind is "what are you willing to do to get it? How important is this to you?"

I had a feeling today that I needed to wait to decide what I was going to do until I had a conversation with a particular person and I am so happy that I followed that feeling because it was this conversation that cleared my mind. When I came home today I asked for confirmation that I was doing the right thing and that confirmation came in the form of a phone call.

This is going to be crazy! Perhaps tomorrow I will write in the heat of my freak out and we can see the difference.

Dear Diary

I got a feeling that today would be a good day to start a diary and I thought it might be fun to share it here.

Dear Diary,

Something incredible happened today, I made a decision that has changed my life. I have been living for so long sheltered and held back because I'm afraid of pretty much everything and today I decided to take a leap of faith. Now this isn't a hopscotch kind of leap, it's a close-your-eyes-and-jump-off-of-the-mountain kind of leap and it makes me sick to my stomach.
There are so many things that I want in this life and I like to bitch about it when I can't have them. I am like a small child taking a temper tantrum because there is always something that stops me from getting these things. It is always somebody else's fault and I have given up power of my own life to circumstance, and we all know what a bad idea that is. I have always been satisfied just thinking about what I want and then getting mad that I don't have it and letting that ridiculous circle continue. That changed today and I'm really hoping that it will last longer than a day. Another thing that I'm big on is getting really excited about something and making the plan of the century to accomplish whatever that something happens to be, but that has never lasted longer than a couple of days.
So what all of this is leading up to is that I am going to Germany in August. I don't have my passport and I have no money but I'm going. I made that decision yesterday, I mean I really made that decision, it was a declaration; I AM GOING TO GERMANY IN AUGUST!
In order to do this I realized that I had better get a job, actually I didn't realize that a friend helped me figure it out. Anybody that has read anything I have written previously knows that I am not currently employed because I have issues with anxiety specifically social anxiety so in any case I would rather shoot myself in the foot than go to work.
When thinking and panicking about the idea of having to go back to work I knew that this trip would be far more rewarding if I was able to do it knowing that I earned it. I am tired of expecting things to happen without any real effort on my part. I want to be challenged and I am so blessed to know people who do that, people that wont let me rest comfortably in my pile of self loathing.
The very same day that I made that declaration I came home and decided it was time to start looking because the longer I wait the less I'll have, I only have three months to save. I found an add for a babysitter needed desperately and thought that was right up my alley, I have kids of my own so really it would just be adding another person to my day. It was perfect, the hours, the pay everything was perfect for me and then... Twin 14 month old boys and a four year old boy plus my own four year old, it is across town and I have to be there every morning at 7:30 am. I kind of started to freak out when I started thinking about it to the point that I was mad at everything.
It was beautiful timing and encouraging words that helped me find peace. Sure I will be underpaid considering the job, I will be tired and I will probably be on a murderous rampage for the first couple of days and it wont be easy, but what am I willing to do to get what I want? Doing this job will give me exactly what I need, no more and no less, not only will I get the money I need but it is going to push me to grow.
I don't start until Monday so I have a couple of days left to really think about how crazy I actually am.
Know what? I'm not even going to proof read this. The end.

Reality is in the eye of the beholder

These posts are really becoming less and less and I think I know why. I may have said this before but it is easiest to be honest about things when you're being honest about things that aren't really a big deal. I can tell you that I am a coward and I'm ok with that, I can tell you that sometimes I hate looking at my own face and I'm ok with that. The reason I'm ok with that is because I am sure that most people on this earth feel the same at one time or another.

Here is something that I have learned in this process of self discovery, it sucks. Self discovery for me isn't all zen and peaceful, it is violent and scary. I haven't really discussed it with many people so I'm not sure of the way others experience this but it is definitely something that would be easier to give up. Let me try to illustrate how this feels, I have written this before, it feels like I'm standing in a room full of people who are all trying to talk to me at once. I have no idea what anybody is trying to say because I can't hear them, if everyone would just stop talking and sit down then we could get to these things one at a time. But this isn't the way things are working here, everything wants to be heard so desperately that they are all crawling on top of each other to get to the front of the line which only makes things worse.

These days at best I am sketchy, confused, irritated and ultimately broken, but it's not all bad.
With the help of some people that I love very dearly I also know what makes me good, well they tell me and I try to believe them. I'm not ready to talk about the good things quite yet. Isn't it sad that so many of us have been convinced that speaking highly of yourself means that you are conceited? I don't know many people who willingly accept compliments even if they do believe them.

I am in a constant state of panic, worried about being loved, giving love, giving too little or giving too much. When I speak am I really me or am I one of my many versions of me? There are so many things flying around my mind right now that I can't grasp anything. I feel like a dog walking in circles looking for a place to sleep but I never find it. Right this very second I have realized something else, when I think about things that make me uncomfortable or sad or inappropriate I start humming. I am completely aware and actually distracting myself so I don't think about it. I'm sure that's not really helping anything.

That is why I am finding it harder and harder to write, I can't even find my thoughts. I am so busy distracting them that most of me is numb to most things, except love which is also becoming increasingly more difficult. I don't know how to love without desperation or panic, at least I don't think I do.
Welcome to the ramblings of a crazy person.
Here is what I do know, I love music, I know I love laughing, I know I love good conversation. The hard part about the things I love is that it makes me high maintenance. I need love, excitement, emotion, romance and tragedy to feel worth something and that is an expectation I can't put on anybody else, not if I'm being fair. Let's face it, fair isn't one of my strongest points. I could, and do, spend entire days buried in music but because no one can match my passion I choose to do it alone. Laughing is pretty amazing, I know some of the funniest people and I am easily amused so I can watch the same part in Step Brothers a million times over and still laugh until I cry. As for conversation, my friends know that I have no problem talking or listening but my imagination takes me to a new world where conversation is about art and dreaming. It is very rare that I talk about anything serious, unless we're counting my days of pure self obsession. I like to talk about what it would feel like to stand on the highest peak of the highest mountain and scream or what it might be like to fly on the back of an eagle and feel the wind in your face. I have very obvious issues with reality but I'm not even sure if it is reality or everyone else's idea of reality. Now I'm confused again.
All I know is that when I am resting on these crazy notions or when I am in my music, I am free from everything. My mind tells a story and I let it flow. It may not be reality on the outside but it is reality on the inside and I think that's what I want.

In closing, I am nuts.

P.S. I hate caring about grammar and punctuation.

Have I mentioned that this is crap?

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I thought it was because there was nothing worthy happening, but then I realized that there has been so much that I wouldn't even know where to begin. Do you want to know where that got me? In a big heap, falling to pieces on the living room floor.

I thought that I was feeling better and that I didn't need to do this anymore, I thought that I had experienced some form of transcendence that brought me above my problems. In part that was true, I was above my problems and I could see them but what I didn't know was that I wasn't going to stay up there forever. I landed hard, and immediately got confused. I had spent so much time living in another place that I had forgotten my "real" life, my physical life. It has always been my thing to often find myself in a dream like state, pondering life's mysteries, not life as a global existence but my life as my own self absorbed place of being. When I take off into that place I am always the most important and everything revolves around my feelings. I don't know why this happens but I have a few theories; I am addicted to heart ache, pain in the heart is the only true sign of life and this is what I am sure to experience every time I come back down. I don't want to face real life, life doesn't like me and I'm really not very fond of it most of the time. Perhaps I have suffered so much self neglect in this life that I actually need to do these things, I just haven't figured out how to merge everything together into one life.

It has also been difficult and rather amusing for me because I have been expanding my boundaries and let me tell you how hard that is. Most of the time I don't even want to open up to myself let alone someone I have just met, but I want to so I try. Now here is the amusing part, when I try I act like a crazy person. For so long I have kept myself guarded for fear of so many things that I wouldn't even know how to begin explaining them. Until one day recently I was out for coffee and during an amazing conversation I realized a gift is no good if it's never given. We in ourselves as people are the greatest gift we can give each other; kindness, support, love, honesty are our heartbeats in this ever changing world. I was pumped because in theory, this was amazing news, I was free to share. So I did, I opened myself and said here it is, the good the bad and the ugly, I have been attempting that here for awhile, but it's different when it's not actually at someone. Open, honest, true and amazing and then it hit me, intense panic and pain the likes of which I have never known. I couldn't understand what I was doing. On the surface I'm pretty good, I'm a go with the flow, roll with the punches kind of girl but once the shell has been removed everything is soft and tender and unknown for the most part. This is where the crazy person comes in because now that I'm out I can't find my way back in so I'm running in circles not sure what to do, so I keep sharing. The pain is so intense, when you are this vulnerable everything hurts a lot.

I don't want to stop sharing and I am so lucky to have people willing to put up with me and my ever changing madness. To those of you who are know me and have been crazy enough to stick it out, I am so grateful for you and the happiness you bring. For those of you that don't know me and still find me even a little bit interesting, thank you for being here.

I have a feeling that over the next few weeks things are going to get interesting.

I would also like to acknowledge that this writing is crap and every time I have tried for the past few weeks all I keep saying to myself is, this is crap, so I delete and move on. I have to do this, crap or not. I have to remind myself why I started in the first place, and because I am so self obsessed at the moment I think that everyone will think this is crap. So there you have it.

Breathe me

Someone shared a song with me today and I can't believe how amazing the timing was. I want to share the lyrics because they are so raw and real and speak very clearly of the way I feel when I am down. I am also including a link to the song. This is intense.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghPcYqn0p4Y

Breathe Me - Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Oh snap.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Today I have been very paranoid, afraid of being sick. I have a rash on my arm, it's got to be cancer. I ran out of breath walking up the stairs, I'm sure I have some kind of heart defect. I have a sore spot on the side of my head, brain tumor. Ridiculous, yep! Exhausting, so very, very exhausting.

If you have ever experienced a depression you know the feeling of not physically being able to do a simple chore. I stare at the pile of dishes that needs to be done but I have lost the button for the part of my brain that will let me do that. I realized today why this happens to me, my brain is far too busy being paranoid. If my brain were a room and I stood on one side and the sink was on the other there are about 10 000 people in the middle. Not only are there people but they wont stop talking and I can't get through them.

Why are there so many people? Because I was thrown into a panic. I found myself in a situation that was new for me, I found myself exposed and I didn't know what to do with it. There is a part of me that says "Yeah! Let's do this!" but the rest of me tries to run.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I have a need to be sick. I don't know who I am if there is not something wrong with me. If there is something wrong with me then people care about me. If people care about me I feel satisfied. Nope, not satisfied, latched on. If I can latch on then I will have a boat of new problems that need my attention. If I have more problems I panic and part of me tries to run away and then I get paranoid and sick.

Having something to cope with is my coping mechanism and let me tell you it is awful. It makes days like today feel like they've lasted a week.

I am so tired of feeling this way, I am so tired of being tired.

With all of that being said you shouldn't be surprised to learn that I am an egomaniac. I need so desperately to be needed that I spend most of my time thinking about me. In my mind I am much larger than I am in real life.

That was a hard one to swallow.

So are the days of my life.

What a night

I didn't sleep last night, not because I didn't want to, not because I wasn't tired but because I was scared. I didn't sleep for more than two hours, every time I did fall asleep I had a nightmare.
Now I have never been someone who had typical dreams, ever since I can remember they have been really intense. The first scary dream I can remember having was when I was five. If you ever want to know more, just ask.

I am assuming that last night's pattern of bad dreams stems from a couple of things, the sleeping medication I am on and a scary movie Ryan watched at the beginning of the week. Trying to justify it doesn't make me feel better though because there was something different about these dreams, I was really scared.

Every evening I take medication to sleep and until now it has been fine, but last night felt different. I was happy and tired when I went up to bed at 11pm, I listened to some music and went to sleep. At one point when I was listening to music, Claudia started talking in her sleep and it freaked me out a bit, but no big deal.

I can't say exactly what happened but I will do my best to explain.

I was dreaming that I was in a house, a dark, cold house. There were a few people with me, some sort of a group consisting of people who were all working toward the same goal. The atmosphere was still and thick, these people were worried. The next thing I remember was kneeling on a hardwood floor, panicked. Next to me was a man, I didn't see his face and I don't remember feeling anything from him. In front of us was an infant, wrapped up on a pillow. I could hear people talking about someone dying (at the time I believed they were talking about my Gramma, I see now that it was another old woman.). These people kept asking if she was dead yet and the man next to me was telling them it hadn't happened yet but it would happen soon. I couldn't stand the idea of watching or hearing someone die. I woke up.
My heart was pounding and I was sad, but I got over it, snuggled closer to Ryan and went back to sleep.

Now I was on the porch of a motor home with the same group of people and they were afraid. Someone was on the ground and I went to them. It was a woman and her eyes were closed, the grass was wet and she wasn't breathing. I picked up her head and held it in my hands and I cried. Everyone on the porch was aware of what had happened but they did nothing, they all just stood there, afraid. Before I got up to get help I kissed the eyelids of the woman I was holding, as I did this a giant WOOSH of air blew past my head and one of the women on the porch fell to the ground. Everyone started screaming. The woman who had fallen got up a few seconds later, she looked straight at me and smiled, a rotten, terrible smile. Her eyes were black, her teeth were rotten and she spoke with a horrible voice. I woke up.

This time I went straight for the light and sat up. I was nearly in tears because I was so afraid. My eyes darted around the room searching for something. Ryan woke up enough to ask me what was wrong, I told him that I couldn't sleep in our room anymore. It was 12:30am when I went downstairs and turned on the tv. I poured myself a bowl of cereal, logged on to Facebook and watched "Primary Colours". It was 3:30am when Ryan came down the stairs and asked me to come back to bed. Considering three hours had passed and I kept myself busy I assumed my mind had forgotten. I was wrong. I fell asleep quickly but not for long.

This time I was in an apartment, still with the same people and I knew this time that I didn't want to be there. I thought about leaving the apartment and running. I opened the door and looked out into the hall, most of the lights were out but at the end of the hallway there was a mirror and I saw the refection of the back of an old woman. She was wearing a nightgown that came just above her knee, her hair was waist long, grey and messy. Although I couldn't see more than that I was afraid of her so I closed the door and returned to the apartment. The group was sitting on high stools in a semi circle in the dining room, I went into the kitchen. It was then that I heard that awful voice again, a voice that was deep, raspy, condescending and harsh. One of the women in the group began speaking firmly to it only to be dismissed. I heard the voice say "I want to speak to the one who kissed my eyes." I screamed. I woke up.

This time I was actually shaking. I couldn't believe it happened again. I was still for a moment and I closed my eyes but on my eyelids I saw her face. I woke Ryan this time. I turned on the lamp and he suggest I read something nice but I was too tired to read and too afraid to sleep.

In order to understand what happened next I must give you a brief history of a dream I had when I was no older than eleven.

I stood in front of a burning hospital, I could hear people calling for help. I felt a hand and I turned to my left and there stood Jesus. He asked that I accompany him into the hospital, I told him I was afraid to get burnt. He smiled and told me not to worry, as long as I stayed by His side I would not suffer so much as a minor blister. We walked through the fire into the hospital where people were burning but everyone that Jesus passed stopped burning and left the hospital unharmed. There was a particular room He wanted to go to, and when we walked in there was a woman lying on her bed, her hospital gown on backwards and open exposing her entire body. Jesus lifted her over His shoulder and took both of us back to my house. He put her down on my bed and told me He had to go somewhere but he would return very soon. I sat in my room watching the woman sleeping in my bed. Soon she began tossing and mumbling, her tossing soon turned to writhing and I saw a bubble appear on the bottom of my bedroom wall. The bubble began moving horizontally across the wall and withing seconds my room was on fire. Jesus came running through the door, threw the woman over His shoulder and ran from my room, I ran after Him but I couldn't keep up. I went back to my room and found two chocolate hearts on my pillow that said "Jesus loves you" and I cried. I actually woke up crying because I wanted Him to come back.

Now I can better explain to you what happened after the third time I woke up last night. It was 5:00am and I was staring at the ceiling and thinking, I guess silently speaking to Jesus. I was thinking about that dream and I thought "If you would please come back and do that again I know I would feel better. I am so afraid right now, I need you to come back to my dream." I fell asleep again.

This time I was in Toronto, it was busy and people were happy, there was some sort of celebration being broadcast on the news. I was among many just strolling down the street enjoying the people and window shopping, I even went in to a store or two. When I came out of a store I noticed a young woman in a purple robe smiling at me, she began singing. I kept walking and just a few feet away there was another young person wearing a purple robe singing the same song. Soon the song filled the air so I heard nothing else. There were hundreds of people lining the streets in their purple robes singing the most beautiful song I had ever heard. I remember thinking to myself "I hope I can youtube this so Ryan can hear it."
The way these people stood created a path for me to follow, all the way with song and warm smiles. The path ended at the side of a building with the largest painting of Jesus I had ever seen looking more welcoming and peaceful than I had ever seen Him. He was smiling at me and I felt safe and comforted. I woke up, to the alarm going off at 7:00am. I was still very tired and shaken but hopeful and happy.

I am sorry that was so long! Thanks for reading it anyways!

Life is...

There are times in life when we seem to be so alive and in love with everything.

I have been spending time with myself, without distraction, without thought, and maybe it's the spring weather or the beautiful sunshine but I have fallen in love.

This life is a lot more romantic than many believe it to be. Everyday we wake up greeted by life. As your eyes open your heart picks up it's pace and sends warmth and life coursing through your body, new breath, new blood, a new day. Everyday we wake up and life wants nothing more than to welcome us, wants us to live it, in it and with it. Imagine your life was your partner and when you opened your eyes every morning you were greeted with a smile, a hug, a kiss. No stress, no judgement only love and acceptance. So many of us ask for this, long for a partner who can give us only happiness and love without realizing that you have what you seek. Your life is your greatest partner, the only one who will be there until the end, the only one who will give you what you need.
When you leave your home to go to work or school, your life goes with you, smiling all the way. We encounter problems, we get sad and it is your life that cries with you and wraps you in the greatest love. Only your life can understand you for who you really are. When you are sick it is your life that fights for you, your heart beats with determination everyday, in sickness and in health. Your life is your best friend.

Unfortunately for most of us we don't see it or pay attention. When we wake up and our life smiles we spit at it because we're tired. When we go to work and life dances along to all of the majesty surrounding us, we scoff, we don't see anything majestic, just chaos, trash and inconvenience. When we are hurt and life cries and comforts us we push it away because after all it is life's fault that we feel like this in the first place. When we are happy and want to celebrate life, we feed our bodies things that numb life, that shorten life.

Yet no matter how we abuse our lives, no matter how many times we stomp on it or call it useless it still smiles at us every morning, it still loves you through everything, your heart still beats.

It's sad that we don't love our lives as much as they love us.

Everyday, every hour, every moment is a new beginning, let life show you what you have to be grateful for.

Think of the love you have for the lives of others, feel your heart swell with overwhelming joy at the thought of a loved one living their life fully.

Your life loves you even more than that.

I call my life God, you may call your life something different but through everything, at the centre of it all, your life is love.

365 Days

To the Universe, 365 days is nothing but a breath in an Immortal life.

photo: The Helix Nebula - The Eye of God

Today is the day before my birthday.

365 days ago I walked out of my job, walked in to the doctor's office and began my journey to a new place. It's hard to believe it was only a year ago. We spend so much of our time focused on the past or looking into the future that we forget to live today.

There is a very big difference between living
through your life and actually living it. Something amazing happens when you begin to actively live your life, when you become involved and make decisions.

I have spent a long time living through my past experiences, I saw my whole life through them. Everything I ever did, any way I ever reacted, always came back to my past experiences. Things like, I freak out when I feel threatened because I lived for so long in an environment where I always had to be ready to defend myself. It's about time that I put those patterns of thinking away. It's fine to use something like that as a form of realization but not as a reason, if I find myself saying it more than once, I know that I have an issue. I must realize that although at one time I did live in a place where I had to be on the ready all of the time, I don't live there anymore. I can lose my temper with my kids and say when I was a child that is how it was in my house, but I no longer live in that house and I am no longer a child so it doesn't make sense to do that anymore.

If a an abused child grows up to be a serial killer is it excusable because that child was hurt? Does the responsibility lie solely with that child or are there others who need to share it?
Just because people were mean to me when I was growing up does that give me permission to do the same to others? Of course not, but we use these reasons to justify what we do even if we know it's wrong, I think it makes it easier to deal with.

For so long when I looked at myself in the mirror I saw a child, an angry, hurt child. It was recently that something amazing happened, I looked at myself and saw that child but I also saw me, as I am now, helping that child come to terms with the past and bring her into the now.

I will forever stand by the saying "Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it is bad." because it is the honest truth. It took a lot of seemingly bad things to happen in my life to bring me to where I am today. God knows what he's doing and I trust Him. We can't see the big picture, we only see what we allow ourselves to see. I think it's time to step back and stop trying to see the whole picture and just admire what you do see. We spend far too much time focused on what we are doing that we miss everything that is happening.

365 days truly is a long time if you live in it and with it every day, not watching it go by.

Brutal honesty?

Would you admit it?

If you were really bad at something would you admit it? I don't mean a bad singer or basketball player, I mean bad at life. If you had poor social skills or parenting skills, would you ever tell anyone? If you did tell someone would you use excuses or just say it straight up? I read an article the other day on brutal honesty and it made me think. I decided to write this blog so that I could find my way to honesty and then I realized that I have barely broken the surface. But how far do you go before it starts to become too much, is there any such thing as too much? Who decides, if you are comfortable writing it does that make it good, does it even matter how other people feel about it?

I don't think that there is much point in being honest with the things that are easier to admit but not with those which are difficult. I guess it changes from person to person, some hold their cards much closer to their chests than others. I don't want to play that game, if I just show you my cards can I stop competing?

If we admit and face the things that are hardest for us I believe that promotes healing much faster than avoidance.

I have made a decision, if it makes me nervous I will do it, unless of course it actually poses a danger to my life or to the life of someone else. It's kind of funny to watch myself react to these uncomfortable situations because I REALLY freak out!

So this should be interesting!!

Oh and GO CANADA!

I feel new

Today I feel new

Today has been a pretty strange day for me, in a good way!

I felt loved, there are people out there who are going above and beyond for me and I love them so much for that.

I just ordered the most amazing dress (pictured here) for my "surprise" birthday party, oh and the shoes too! I am so excited to get them, this was made possible by the same people mentioned above.

I went to a tanning salon for the first time in my life and it was AMAZING! I have always been very judgemental about the people who use tanning beds and for that I am sorry.

I exercised for 40 minutes today, and everyday since Monday which is very much unlike me.

I made the decision to join a gym, I sign up tomorrow!

It's funny how life seems to come in waves, just a couple of days ago I felt really crappy about myself. I was scared, insecure and depressed. It took everything I had to walk into the gym today just to get information. I always feel out of place, like I'm fooling myself, so I rarely do anything that I am unfamiliar with which leads to a predictable life.
It was just as big a deal for me to walk into the tanning salon and ask for help. I've always been afraid of things like that. When I was in my early teens I wouldn't even order my own food at McDonalds because I felt like a fool. When I worked at a grocery store there was no way that they could get me to use the loud speaker, I am so afraid of looking like an idiot but not in the ways you would expect. I am fully willing to make a fool of myself, I do it often and it's fun. It's those times when I am trying to be serious that I really fear and I try to make sure that it doesn't happen often. When someone takes my picture I make a dumb face on purpose so people can laugh when I want them to, if I take a serious picture and they laugh what happens then?

It's amazing for me to realize how truly selfish I am and not in the "I-want-everything-for-myself" way but in the "I-never-stop-thinking-about-myself" way. It's odd to be selfish and dislike yourself at the same time, we usually think of someone who is very conceited and frivolous as being the selfish one. If I give these thoughts any time they spread rapidly and I go from being afraid to walk into the gym to fearing what we will have for supper because someone might get hurt by a boiling pot of water.

It's becoming very annoying and inconvenient.

My House

My House

I was just in the process of writing an email to someone and I realized a few things. First, there seems to be a general misconception that I am unhappy with my life. Considering what I write I can understand why that would be the general consensus, however it is not true. I love my life, because it's mine. I love being alive everyday. I am just unwilling to accept the idea that my life has to fit into a certain set of standards or that my past (or that of my family) predicts my future. It all boils down to a desire to be the best me I can be.

If you would please join me on a short ride into my mind, keep your hands and feet inside at all times and keep your eyes directly forward (there is a lot in there you don't want to see), and allow me to show you how I see it.

If my life, my body, my mind and my spirit were a house it would be a beautiful house. Large, warm and pleasant but not without flaws. There is mould in the walls and there are rats in the attic, but it doesn't directly affect the beauty or functionality of the house, it does however, affect the integrity. The longer I ignore the problem the worse it gets. In the beginning it is quite understandable if one doesn't notice these problems, the mould is still invisible and the rats are quite.
When we come into existence we start with one room, our spiritual place, our heart; for me it's my kitchen. My kitchen was built by the universe's greatest architect and it is perfect. As we grow we begin adding to our house, but never consider that it would be a good idea to call in a professional who knows a little something about structure. The first few rooms are pretty good as we have modelled them after the kitchen and allowed the architect some room to help us build. At some point we decide that we have a handle on what to do and venture off to do it on our own. It usually starts off well but as we build without guidance we realize that there are some things that we're not too sure about. Instead of consulting the professional we improvise and continue. It looks amazing, but we can't see the instability of the structure at this point.
We continue building and living, all the while our structure weakens and our patches start to crumble.

I still love my house but I recognize these structural flaws, I can see the mould growing on the ceiling and I can hear the rats in the attic.
I also know that there are some rooms in my house that I built out of desperation, perhaps to hide, I don't know. Those rooms were built in haste and once I left them I didn't go back. There was no amount of precision, care or professionalism that went into the structure of these rooms so they are on the verge of collapse. The big problem is that there are many rooms above and below that will be damaged, maybe severely if that happens. Those are the rooms that I fear, but I don't want to knock down and rebuild my whole house, it's not necessary nor is it a good idea because there are many rooms that I have been working on for a long time and I love them. So for now I go and spend some time in the kitchen and observe the architecture. I have to allow the architect and his team of professionals to show me how to repair and rebuild what is necessary.

Unfortunately, the last architect to help exposed a problem, really a slew of problems and didn't come back to fix them. Now they stick out like sores and I'm upset that I have to keep looking at them with no real idea of how to fix them. One thing I will do is cover them up and pretend they're not there. I just need a new architect to help me learn.

I love my life, I love my friends and for the most part I love my house, it just needs a little TLC.

And that's that!

Psychiatrists are stupid

Psychiatrists are stupid.

I have been seeing my psychiatrist for about seven months now and I am no farther ahead then I was when I started. It all started with "that day" at work, I started seeing my family doctor first, had a social worker with the outpatient program with the mental health clinic and then I was referred to my psychiatrist.

It took three people to figure out that I was depressed and anxious but not crazy. As usual it all starts way back with a dysfunctional family, poor coping skills and a general lack of self respect. I have been on meds for that for nearly a year and it's all working out quite well, or so I thought.
As far as the day to day, things are pretty "normal". I have my days when I can't find the will to get dressed but I think that a lot of people have that at some time or another. Today something was exposed and I'm still not quite sure what it is.

My last appointment with my psychiatrist was about three weeks ago and it was quite revealing. In just over one month we claimed bankruptcy, lost our house, our car and my Gramma passed away, on Christmas morning. Now those are pretty heavy life events but I handled them well, I cried but no more than a normal person would in the same situation. I didn't get depressed (in the case of our bankruptcy I was kind of excited to start again.), I wasn't "down in the dumps" as they say. I reacted like a human being, a normal, functioning, human being.

It was when I realized this that things started to get really interesting. My whole life, at least as long as I can remember, I have been a bit of a paranoid person and quick to stress. When I was 16 my friends would tell me that if I didn't relax I would be grey by the time I turned 20. It seems that quite often we accept these things as personality traits, it's just who you are. It was at my last appointment that I decided that was not at all true.

I have always been afraid of the dark, seriously terrified. I can't walk through my own house in the dark, if the power goes out I have a panic attack, I can't sleep with the closet or the bathroom doors open, I have to either go to bed when someone else is still awake or sleep with the light on if I want any chance of actually sleeping. I have intense panic attacks even if someone says certain words like ritual or demon. I am afraid that even if I think these words that something will happen. If I start to run just because I want to move quickly I panic and think that there is something I'm running from. I am afraid to close my eyes in the shower, I can't meditate because I fear silence. I see an old man fall and I can't stop myself from remembering every few hours, I imagine what I will do if there is a fire/burglar/zombie sometime in the night. I have gone so far as to get out of bed and check all of our outlets, doors and windows, and make sure all of the curtains are closed. It is so bad that I toss in bed for anywhere between two and four hours before I fall asleep.
That's a lot of stuff, so I told my psychiatrist that I needed help, that I realized that this wasn't funny or silly, it was real and scary.

She told me that all she could do at the time was to give me a sedative to make sure I fall asleep and refer me to an anxiety clinic where they could help me because what I was suffering from was a specific phobia which can't be treated with medication. When I left her office I was so excited at the idea that there could actually be a solution and maybe I could one day sleep without a light or walk through my own house without fear. She told me that the waiting list was really long, nine months to a year, but I didn't care at least it was something more than nothing.
So I've been taking my pills like a good patient and I've even been going to bed crazy early to make sure I get enough sleep (or to make sure that Ryan is awake so I can relax and be asleep before everything was shut down for the night). The pill has been awesome, it totally knocks me out which is great because even if I have to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, the dopiness I feel far outweighs the fear. The fear isn't gone but I've rendered myself incapable of feeling it.

So yesterday my psychiatrist's receptionist called to tell me that the anxiety clinic denied me because they felt that what I was dealing with was a mood disorder not an anxiety disorder. Seriously. I told the receptionist that I needed an appointment as soon as possible so I could speak with the doctor about it so she put me on a cancellation list. Again this morning she calls and tells me that the doctor said that she has no control over the decisions they make so I should try contacting the family counselling centre or the hospital to see if they can help. My doctor is telling me to seek my own treatment because apparently she's done enough. Seriously. I don't even understand why she's ok with this, so she is prepared to leave me undiagnosed, she's not even trying to help.

I am so frustrated, and scared, and tired. I don't want the people who are helping me to be satisfied just doping me up because I don't want that. When it was something temporary just until I got the chance to be treated by someone who could help I was ok with it, even excited to get some sleep. Now it's no so awesome, knowing that she's willing to just leave me here like this.


Psychiatrists are stupid.

I don't even know

...

I don't even know where to start today, I guess that's one of the problems with not writing for three days.

I think that the decision not to write this weekend was a very important one, I think it had to happen. It was Saturday when things really started to change. Have you seen the Untied Way commercial when that guy is sitting on the street and his skin starts to break, he starts peeling all over and he crawls out of the shell that was the old him? Well that is what this felt like.

I have come to realize that the anxiety that was hanging over my head last week was not a sign of something bad, it was a sign of something different. It's as though there is something in you that knows things are going to change but you don't know how or when so it stresses you out.

Loving with more than words is too hard. That was my revelation.

It started on Saturday when I was at the grocery store. We had just finished shopping and I wanted to run into the dollar store, as I was crossing the parking lot I heard someone grunt and I turned around to see an old man lying face down on the pavement. My stomach turned and I ran to where he was. He had a really big gash on his face, and on his arm and hand as well. The staff at the grocery store came out and took care of him but even as I walked away I knew this was something I wasn't going to be able to shake off.

I love to love, I want nothing more in this life than to love so that people know what they truly mean. There are times that the love I feel for another is so strong that it causes me physical pain, my heart aches and I want to squeeze them and tell them how much I love them. Unfortunately, it usually happens with strangers, as it did that day with the old man in the parking lot. It was that evening I realized how afraid I am to love people.

When I was growing up love was a word used often but that's all it was, a word. I was also taught that kindness was best when other people were looking.

At first I thought that my fear of loving was perfectly normal considering where I had come from, where love was more like desperation. But it's not what other people can do to me that I fear, people have done enough already and I've learned how to deal with it. It's what other people can do to themselves that scares me, or maybe just what life can do to them. It seems that most of the time the love I feel comes with a sadness, I don't really understand it or know why, it just does. The funny thing is that it doesn't happen with the people I know, only strangers. When it comes to the people I know, I am so afraid that I will fail and my love wont mean anything anymore. There is no fear in love but there is fear in pain and far too often love and pain stand next to each other.

This all feels like it's all over the place. I was shown something, a single sentence really and it rocked my world but I don't know anything about it yet. So I guess for now that is all.

Taking a few days off

Time for a Break!

I've decided that I am going to take the weekend to unplug so as of now I am offline until Monday. I realized today that I have become far too dependant on this notebook and all of the little wonders it has top offer. I am starting to think that at this particular time is is more of a hindrance than it is a help.

I'm going to unplug from everything and it will be amazing!

See you Monday! :)

Boourns

What is it that makes me feel so strange? I don't feel bad really, nor do I feel good. I think that I'm frustrated, but I can't really tell. I know how funny that sounds but sometimes I just don't know what feeling I'm feeling. It's very obviously not a good feeling, otherwise I'd be happy right?

I can feel that "thing" starting, the self deprecating thing.

It started about a year ago, I would feel this "thing" and know that something was happening but I never knew what it was. Then one day while I was at work I blew up. I worked in a pharmacy, it was very busy and very cramped. There were people waiting for their prescriptions nicely, while others bore holes into the back of my head with death eyes, and the ones who weren't doing either of those things were yelling. Two people that day threatened suicide because I couldn't get them what they wanted me to. Others told me how stupid I was and how "you obviously didn't have to know much to do this job." It's not as though those things were out of place because that happened everyday but on this particular day I couldn't take it. My stomach was in knots, my heart was pounding, I could taste adrenaline and I wanted to cry.

I was trying to get information for a particularly irate customer who had been spewing demeaning comments as though he was an erupting crap mouthed volcano, but all three terminals I could have used were occupied so he continued to spew while I waited.
Breathe.
When I finally got to the information that I needed I cringed, I was so screwed. He brought in a prescription five hours ago and it still hadn't been processed, I was holding the hard copy in my hand. I can't even tell you how bad that sucked. I knew that there was no way that I could handle telling him that we had forgotten, so I turned to my co-workers and asked for help. I remember saying "I can't do this, please help me." but nobody listened, maybe I didn't say it loud enough, so they all went on telling stories and laughing while I stood there on the verge of disaster. I could feel my face getting hot. Again I said "I need someone to help me please." and this time one of them looked right at me, laughed and turned around to continue her conversation with another coworker.
I knew then that there was something terribly wrong inside of me and the first thing I did was pick up the phone and call my doctor. I needed help, desperately and not just with delivering bad news to the man who looks like he wants to kill me. There was something happening to me.
Finally I took the prescription into my hand, approached one of my coworkers and spoke directly to her. "I need help. This guy is really angry. I want to kill somebody so I'm going now." she laughed at me at first until I started to cry, suddenly everybody was listening to me.
"I'm going now." and I left and never went back.

That is the feeling I have now. Something is happening. The major difference is this time I know that God is doing something that is good for me. But that doesn't make it feel better.

This is definitely the hardest post so far.

Meditation

Day 4
Meditation

This is getting really hard. I think I have to change my game plan and slow down. It's super awesome if other people were able to keep up with this but I really can't. It has only been four days and we've done Truth, Trust, Prayer and now Meditation. Those are four pretty heavy duty lessons and I don't want to get left behind. On day one do you know what I learned about truth? Nothing. On day two, I learned a little about trust. Day three was prayer and there is no way that I learned enough to move ahead. So I am going to take a few days, or more, to go back and reflect on the things I want to learn.

I love the idea of meditation and for some it is easier than it is for others. I believe that being able to meditate in a truly peaceful and open way is largely dependant on your self image and your thoughts on life. Someone told me once that the two most important things in your life are the way that you see yourself and the way you see God as everything you do will be based on those two things.

Here is something I have been pondering for the past few days, if we believe that we were created in God's Image and we have a poor self image is that the way we see God, poorly I mean? Is that maybe one of the reasons behind my apprehension? If you don't believe in yourself how can you believe in God knowing that His Spirit resides in you? Is it true then that you have to be able to see the good inside of yourself in order to see God? I know that there are so many people that would give me so many different answers to those questions which is why I haven't asked. The truth is that I only want these questions to be answered by one, the only One who knows the true answer.

I also believe that there are many forms of meditation as there are many definitions of meditation. If we are talking about meditation in the form of emptying your mind then that happens for me when I am having a shower or brushing my teeth, it doesn't always take sitting down in a quiet room. Is this yet another one of those things that is done based on personal preference?

Right now I am lost for words to write, I have so many questions which cannot be answered here. So perhaps meditation is a perfect topic today, perhaps contemplation is what I really need.

love

I am such a moron

Seriously,

So last night after my day of craziness I decided that I was going to try something, and that something was praying on paper. Weird I know. Nothing else seemed to be working so my thoughts were that if I can keep the prayer concentrated it would help, you know instead of trying to get it out of my crazy head where things never sit still. So I decided that writing it down would be the best idea and then I could repeat it. Here is one of the things I prayed for, I prayed for God to send me confirmation that what I was doing with this book and this blog were the right thing. But being the blind dummy I am, I didn't see any of it until just now.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful message from someone I love dearly, thanking me for writing. They wanted me to know that what I was doing was really helping them and others.

Nice huh?

Did I think for a second that that was any sort of confirmation?
Nope.
Blind.

All day as I wrote and surfed the wonderful web I kept seeing adds for books by Iyanla Vanzant. Now it's not like she has a name like Jane Doe, how many times have you heard the name Iyanla? Me, never.
Did I see that as confirmation?
Nope. I thought that maybe my computer was psychic. I actually said out loud "huh, that's strange, what are the odds?" It didn't hit me until I was closing up my computer for the night and I saw half of an add at the bottom of my screen that said, and honestly I'm not lying
"Iyanla Vanzant and her brilliant work are something you shouldn't miss."
Blind.

So there you have it folks, I asked for confirmation and I've been getting it all day I just wasn't paying attention.

Day 3 - Prayer

Day Three
Prayer

Oh dear, yet another thing that I really know nothing about.
I understand the idea and basic principle behind prayer, I know what it's supposed to do. The thing is that I don't really know if it does what it's supposed to do, at least not for me.

I have been praying since I was a little kid but back then I didn't expect anything to happen. I would pray that all of the people I loved were blessed and that I wouldn't die while I slept. I grew up in a family that didn't really seem to believe much of anything, I think that I went to a bible camp once with a neighbour for a day, but that's as far as it ever went. I think that in some ways I am happy that I grew up that way because it gave me the chance to find what I believed for myself. I have known God for many years and I could recognize Him in many places in my life but I have never really known how to talk to Him.

There was a day not so long ago, when I was in church, which doesn't happen often, and the pastor called to everyone to find someone and pray for them or with them, I'm not sure. Everyone stood up and moved around the church, held on to each other and prayed. I was very apprehensive about this because I had issues with insecurity so I moved very slowly hoping that I wouldn't have to approach anyone, that maybe someone would find me. It didn't happen, it actually turned out that I was the only person in the church without a partner to pray with. I stood at the edge of the room and watched everybody and cried a little. It was at that moment in time that I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my whole life, even today it hurts me deeply when I think about it. I felt like I was a little kid with no friends, in Gods house non the less, and I was angry, ashamed and embarrassed.

I really don't even know how to finish that, I think I caught myself off guard.

Prayer is definitely something I need to learn more about.

love