Another inconsistency in my writing I know. One thing I know I am is consistently inconsistent.
Why is it that I feel that I know more than others? Or why is it that I decide that I don't like someone I just met because of the sound of their voice. I could sit here now and find a thousand reasons to justify both of those things but the real truth is that there is no justification for either.
I have a deep desire to be better than other people. I want to be prettier, I want to be younger, I want to be smarter and if I try hard enough I can convince myself that all of those things are true. I can find pride in all of these things. Here are some of the things I found myself thinking today:
"I have two kids and you only have one so I know more than you."
"You have three kids and I have two but my oldest is five years older than any of yours, I know more."
"You eat too much junk food, I make real meals."
"I don't know why you keep talking to me, clearly I don't like you."
"Stop lying to everyone because I know you have no idea what you are talking about."
Those are the ones that stick out most clearly in my mind. I am not going to pretend that this is all new for me or that I just started thinking this way. I have just started practising detached awareness and really listening to myself think and speak. I have been quietly observing the way I look at other people and how I respond to them.
I would now like to translate my above thoughts into what they actually mean:
"I wish that I was as good a mother as you."
"My oldest is five years older than yours and I have no idea what I'm doing."
"I eat so much junk food and I hate myself for it. I like to try and nourish my family properly but most often fail."
"I am so consumed with my own self that I have nothing to spare for you."
"It stresses me out that you know what you are talking about because I am so confused."
It is amazing what some time alone with your thoughts can do. I don't say these things because I want anyone to correct my thinking. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am only telling the truth as I see it at this moment.
The only thing I know for sure is that my greatest desire is to be better at being me. I want my actions, my reactions and my life to match what I know is in my heart. I am becoming a stranger to myself and I think it is the best thing that could be happening to me.
