Taking a few days off

Time for a Break!

I've decided that I am going to take the weekend to unplug so as of now I am offline until Monday. I realized today that I have become far too dependant on this notebook and all of the little wonders it has top offer. I am starting to think that at this particular time is is more of a hindrance than it is a help.

I'm going to unplug from everything and it will be amazing!

See you Monday! :)

Boourns

What is it that makes me feel so strange? I don't feel bad really, nor do I feel good. I think that I'm frustrated, but I can't really tell. I know how funny that sounds but sometimes I just don't know what feeling I'm feeling. It's very obviously not a good feeling, otherwise I'd be happy right?

I can feel that "thing" starting, the self deprecating thing.

It started about a year ago, I would feel this "thing" and know that something was happening but I never knew what it was. Then one day while I was at work I blew up. I worked in a pharmacy, it was very busy and very cramped. There were people waiting for their prescriptions nicely, while others bore holes into the back of my head with death eyes, and the ones who weren't doing either of those things were yelling. Two people that day threatened suicide because I couldn't get them what they wanted me to. Others told me how stupid I was and how "you obviously didn't have to know much to do this job." It's not as though those things were out of place because that happened everyday but on this particular day I couldn't take it. My stomach was in knots, my heart was pounding, I could taste adrenaline and I wanted to cry.

I was trying to get information for a particularly irate customer who had been spewing demeaning comments as though he was an erupting crap mouthed volcano, but all three terminals I could have used were occupied so he continued to spew while I waited.
Breathe.
When I finally got to the information that I needed I cringed, I was so screwed. He brought in a prescription five hours ago and it still hadn't been processed, I was holding the hard copy in my hand. I can't even tell you how bad that sucked. I knew that there was no way that I could handle telling him that we had forgotten, so I turned to my co-workers and asked for help. I remember saying "I can't do this, please help me." but nobody listened, maybe I didn't say it loud enough, so they all went on telling stories and laughing while I stood there on the verge of disaster. I could feel my face getting hot. Again I said "I need someone to help me please." and this time one of them looked right at me, laughed and turned around to continue her conversation with another coworker.
I knew then that there was something terribly wrong inside of me and the first thing I did was pick up the phone and call my doctor. I needed help, desperately and not just with delivering bad news to the man who looks like he wants to kill me. There was something happening to me.
Finally I took the prescription into my hand, approached one of my coworkers and spoke directly to her. "I need help. This guy is really angry. I want to kill somebody so I'm going now." she laughed at me at first until I started to cry, suddenly everybody was listening to me.
"I'm going now." and I left and never went back.

That is the feeling I have now. Something is happening. The major difference is this time I know that God is doing something that is good for me. But that doesn't make it feel better.

This is definitely the hardest post so far.

Meditation

Day 4
Meditation

This is getting really hard. I think I have to change my game plan and slow down. It's super awesome if other people were able to keep up with this but I really can't. It has only been four days and we've done Truth, Trust, Prayer and now Meditation. Those are four pretty heavy duty lessons and I don't want to get left behind. On day one do you know what I learned about truth? Nothing. On day two, I learned a little about trust. Day three was prayer and there is no way that I learned enough to move ahead. So I am going to take a few days, or more, to go back and reflect on the things I want to learn.

I love the idea of meditation and for some it is easier than it is for others. I believe that being able to meditate in a truly peaceful and open way is largely dependant on your self image and your thoughts on life. Someone told me once that the two most important things in your life are the way that you see yourself and the way you see God as everything you do will be based on those two things.

Here is something I have been pondering for the past few days, if we believe that we were created in God's Image and we have a poor self image is that the way we see God, poorly I mean? Is that maybe one of the reasons behind my apprehension? If you don't believe in yourself how can you believe in God knowing that His Spirit resides in you? Is it true then that you have to be able to see the good inside of yourself in order to see God? I know that there are so many people that would give me so many different answers to those questions which is why I haven't asked. The truth is that I only want these questions to be answered by one, the only One who knows the true answer.

I also believe that there are many forms of meditation as there are many definitions of meditation. If we are talking about meditation in the form of emptying your mind then that happens for me when I am having a shower or brushing my teeth, it doesn't always take sitting down in a quiet room. Is this yet another one of those things that is done based on personal preference?

Right now I am lost for words to write, I have so many questions which cannot be answered here. So perhaps meditation is a perfect topic today, perhaps contemplation is what I really need.

love

I am such a moron

Seriously,

So last night after my day of craziness I decided that I was going to try something, and that something was praying on paper. Weird I know. Nothing else seemed to be working so my thoughts were that if I can keep the prayer concentrated it would help, you know instead of trying to get it out of my crazy head where things never sit still. So I decided that writing it down would be the best idea and then I could repeat it. Here is one of the things I prayed for, I prayed for God to send me confirmation that what I was doing with this book and this blog were the right thing. But being the blind dummy I am, I didn't see any of it until just now.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful message from someone I love dearly, thanking me for writing. They wanted me to know that what I was doing was really helping them and others.

Nice huh?

Did I think for a second that that was any sort of confirmation?
Nope.
Blind.

All day as I wrote and surfed the wonderful web I kept seeing adds for books by Iyanla Vanzant. Now it's not like she has a name like Jane Doe, how many times have you heard the name Iyanla? Me, never.
Did I see that as confirmation?
Nope. I thought that maybe my computer was psychic. I actually said out loud "huh, that's strange, what are the odds?" It didn't hit me until I was closing up my computer for the night and I saw half of an add at the bottom of my screen that said, and honestly I'm not lying
"Iyanla Vanzant and her brilliant work are something you shouldn't miss."
Blind.

So there you have it folks, I asked for confirmation and I've been getting it all day I just wasn't paying attention.

Day 3 - Prayer

Day Three
Prayer

Oh dear, yet another thing that I really know nothing about.
I understand the idea and basic principle behind prayer, I know what it's supposed to do. The thing is that I don't really know if it does what it's supposed to do, at least not for me.

I have been praying since I was a little kid but back then I didn't expect anything to happen. I would pray that all of the people I loved were blessed and that I wouldn't die while I slept. I grew up in a family that didn't really seem to believe much of anything, I think that I went to a bible camp once with a neighbour for a day, but that's as far as it ever went. I think that in some ways I am happy that I grew up that way because it gave me the chance to find what I believed for myself. I have known God for many years and I could recognize Him in many places in my life but I have never really known how to talk to Him.

There was a day not so long ago, when I was in church, which doesn't happen often, and the pastor called to everyone to find someone and pray for them or with them, I'm not sure. Everyone stood up and moved around the church, held on to each other and prayed. I was very apprehensive about this because I had issues with insecurity so I moved very slowly hoping that I wouldn't have to approach anyone, that maybe someone would find me. It didn't happen, it actually turned out that I was the only person in the church without a partner to pray with. I stood at the edge of the room and watched everybody and cried a little. It was at that moment in time that I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my whole life, even today it hurts me deeply when I think about it. I felt like I was a little kid with no friends, in Gods house non the less, and I was angry, ashamed and embarrassed.

I really don't even know how to finish that, I think I caught myself off guard.

Prayer is definitely something I need to learn more about.

love

Upon Reflection

I know, three in one day is a little extreme, but I really wanted to share something important. Although today kind of went from really high to really low, I think that it is going to end on a relatively neutral note. I knew when I started to feel badly that it was an opportunity to learn something. I realize now what (I think) that something was. I always thought that an opportunity like this would be a chance to move through the bad feelings, calm down and come out on the other side. While for others, or in my future that might be true, today it was not. I believe the purpose of my craziness was to reveal a pattern. I made a prayer this morning that I learn as much about truth and trust that I could possibly learn in one day. That seems like a pretty good prayer until you realize what you are actually asking for. When you ask God to teach you about truth and trust he doesn't send you a text book. It makes me think about cognitive behavioral therapy, you are put directly into the situation that makes you feel bad, or scared, or insecure as in my own case, and taught in the midst of it how to deal.

Here is what I went through, and currently go through often, when something happens that makes me feel guilty, ashamed, inadequate or really any combination of a thousand different things: It starts with the insecurity that I spoke about in my earlier post, I feel as though I have done something that wasn't worth anything. Second I try to rationalize and take time out to make myself feel better but it results in more nervousness as I think back on the day. Today it was a sense of foolishness that I had used scripture because I have no idea what I am doing. Now I am feeling like a wanna be, as though I'm in a place where I don't belong. Next I take a shower and before I even have time to think about it I'm pulling out the scale, it seems that once I am in this "mood thing" it's a downward spiral. I look at the numbers the scale is showing and feel my self confidence fall even further, if that's even possible. I go to meet my dear friend for coffee and sit in a booth thinking that the entire world is staring at me knowing just how much of an untalented, stupid, wanna be, heffer I really am.
I don't believe those things, at least not at this moment, I do believe that I was being given an opportunity to clearly see in a detached sort of way, what was happening. Maybe now that I know what this pattern looks like I will be able to recognize it before it becomes a problem and work it out. I guess only time will tell.

love

Change

I have to say, it's pretty amazing how things can change so quickly. It all comes back to another comment. AAAH! Seriously, sometimes this is so frustrating, things seem so amazing and all it takes are the impartial words of another to throw me off.
Here is what happened, I read a comment someone made that was neither good nor bad but because I am ridiculously insecure I percieved it as something negative. I wish that knowing that was enough to change the way it feels. Immediately I re-read my post to make sure that it made sense, to make sure that it was ok. I am begining to think I am deluded to believe that any of this is good or interesting. Even in saying that I feel it, I feel that I have to explain that I don't say these things expecting someone else to prove me wrong.

Then I go back to the writing I posted today and see everything that is wrong with it, everything that is wrong with me. I felt for a while that something had changed, that I was different, well I'm not.

I guess this is a great opportunity to learn something and exercise seeing the truth and feeling the trust. Honestly, I lost that already. I don't know where I put it. Have you ever been using someone elses computer and saved something without checking to see where it was being saved? And because it's not your computer the files are all different. That's what this feels like, I had it, I saved it but I have no idea where it went.

And now the stupid government is telling me I owe them more money. I know that doesn't have anything to do with anything but it makes me mad. Bah.

love

Day 2 - Trust

Day Two
Trust

When I started reading today I actually laughed out loud. HA! Trust! I read through and did the morning exercise and then it all changed. Now I am writing this pretty much as it happens so here it is.

There is a difference between trusting someone and trusting in someone (Iyanla's words not mine). To trust someone is to trust the divine spirit that resides in them, to know that no matter what that person may say or do it doesn't change their core being. Nor can anything that happens to you change yours. You don't rely on people, you've learned to rely on the divine presence within them. How awesome is that?! To trust in someone is to put trust in the words or actions of someone else, knowing that humans are subject to react based on their own internal fear, guilt or shame.

It was after I finished reading that my heart told me this lesson wasn't over, it was time to open my Bible. Again, HA! I don't know anything about the Bible, I wouldn't even know where to look. My heart's response was that I wasn't asked to know what I was looking for, as that would defeat the purpose of a lesson, I was only asked to get my Bible. So I did.

My Teacher told me to read this:

"I tell you the truth, , anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it."
- John 14:12-14

It is where I am in my journey that makes that scripture especially important to me and my Teacher knew that. I am in place where I don't know how to trust which is really the base of everything. The reason I fear, because I don't trust. The reason I'm angry, because I don't trust. I wanted to trust, I even pretended that I did but the truth is that I truly don't know how to trust. It was that truth that opened me to what my Teacher has been trying to say. Up until now I have been sitting at the back of the classroom only half paying attention, usually doing whatever I felt like doing until I heard something interesting and then I would listen enough to nod my head and agree and then go back to doing whatever it was that I found to be more important at the time. Today that changed. Today I took my assignment to my Teacher and He told me that I don't have feel the way I feel, that He can teach me to trust I just have to ask.

Needless to say, this has been pretty amazing. For the rest of the day I will do my best to learn lessons of trust and truth.

Oh and my Teacher says hi!

xo

Day 1 - Truth

Day One
Truth

Today is day one of forty days and forty nights. The "lesson" today is truth. The interesting thing about this book ("One Day My Soul Just Opened Up: 40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth") is that the lessons aren't really lessons. It's not as though the book is trying to tell you what you should think or believe, it just makes you think about what it is you are thinking about and believing. There are no rules, not really even guidelines, just one person's story and how it changed her life.

Now I sit here trying to realize my truth of the moment, and at this moment I can say that I am feeling apprehensive and nervous. I thought that writing this would get easier the more I wrote but it only seems to get harder, this is how I know I'm making progress. For almost all of my life I have been pracitcing avoidance, like the osterich, I bury my head in the sand and hope it will all just go away. I turned my back to the world, closed my eyes and plugged my ears. When I opened them nothing was better, quite the opposite in fact, things had progressed over time and gotten a lot worse. I refused to see what was true because it was too hard, that meant I actually had to feel something, I had to do something. That technique got me evicted twice, got me fired, and destroyed relationships. It was this process of avoidance that drove almost every decision I made.

I remember the day all of that changed and I began on my journey toward total truth and honesty. I met my husband and knew that I wanted him to know the truth about me all of the time. It would seem now that in order to tell him the whole truth I had to know it first. It began with simple things like: I am jealous so please don't try to make me jealous to see how much I like you because I will turn into a monster. I was open with the small, more obvious things, I thought I was the queen of honesty. It turns out that I was completely wrong. I was being honest, that much is true, but I was being honest from a place where the truth was a lie. Does that make sense? The truth I was living was not the truth at all, not the real truth. That is something I have only just begun to see. The real truth of the moment is that I am very insecure, self conscious, afraid, loving and over emotional, or maybe just emotional enough, that I'm not quite sure about yet.

I have been writing now for five days and everyday I am very fearful that I wont do it well, or nobody will care. My stomach churns, my heart pounds and I sit on the edge of a possible emotional, mental and totally obliterating breakdown. You may think that I am being dramatic and honestly, it is quite possible that I am, but right now it seems as though feeling like this could truly kill me. In the past, and I mean past as in yesterday, these feeling would have been enough to shut me down, but today I choose to feel them, maybe throw up a little and keep going. Courage isn't about not being afraid, it's about being afraid but doing it anyways. I look inside of my heart and I don't see much that I recognize, it's pretty dark and I'm afraid of the dark so I wont go in. I used to have a recurring dream when I was a kid, I dreamed that I was ascending a giant, unstable staircase and at the top was a door. Most of the time I wouldn't even make it to the top of the stairs because I was so afraid of falling, and when I did get there I was too afraid of what was on the other side of that door to open it. To this day I haven't seen what is behind that door.

The truth is that I need God to help me, I need Him to hold my hand, just like a dad when his little girl is going to school for the first time. I need to be soothed and reassured and reminded that it will always be ok. I will do my best to exercise my courage and press forward and I hope that's enough because it will take all of the strength I can muster.

I guess that the all important truth of the moment is that I can't do this without God, only His Love and Divinity can sustain me. All though it may feel like you sit at the bottom of the pit that is your life, that couldn't be farther from the truth. You stand atop the highest mountain, showered with love and grace but it's foggy so you can't see, it's raining so you shield yourself with an umbrella and you can't feel. Trust that the clouds will dissipate, maybe only for a moment at first but you will get a glimps of the astounding view, feel the warmth of real Love and bask in the Glory of all that is Light. Then all that seemed so impossible before now appears as a quest for something so much greater and infinitely good.

xo

Perception is a tricky thing

Chapter 5

I have been learning a lot about perception the past few days.

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- William Shakespeare


It is this principle that has helped me through so much lately. Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it is bad, just because it feels good doesn't make it good, just because you say it is doesn't mean I have to agree with you.

The other day I wrote about the things that other people say, specifically "been there" or "done that" and how I find it incredibly frustrating and demeaning. When I wrote that it was absolutely true to me and this is about my truth of the moment. For most of my life I have held secret all of the things that hurt me or made me angry, I acted as though things were always ok, but on the inside I felt the anger. Inside I had many conversations with my angry counterpart which led to a growing hostility toward not only certain people but a entire demographic of people. Because I had been lied to so many times and because I lied to others so often I assumed everyone was lying all of the time. Because I lived in a place where people so often faked compassion, I assumed that nobody actually cared. Because I lived a life with someone who was only ever concerned with themselves, I too became selfish and never trusted the motives of anyone. There was a time when most of these things ceased to exist in my exterior world but raged on and grew in my interior. So through my own reality filter I saw a world of liars, cheats and self centered people. When I finally started to meet people that I trusted and really loved found myself becoming desperate to keep them, which spawned an entirely new set of problems. Now I had taken everyone important in my life and given them a specific role to play, and when they couldn't follow through I blamed myself for not being good enough, not loving them enough. I have always been very defensive because I always assumed that people were trying to hurt me so when the comment "been there" was made the way I saw it didn't necessarily reflect the intended meaning. I didn't see someone on the other end who was empathetic to what I was feeling, I didn't see someone opening their heart to me. I saw someone with a sneer on their face waving their hand in dismissal, someone who was trying to tell me that my problems were nothing compared to their own. All of that out of two words, "been there".

There is still a very large part of me the believes that nobody knows what I am going through or what I feel, perhaps I believe they do know but I don't want to share this with them. I have seen a truth that I can no longer deny; no matter what specific situation brought us here what we feel is the same. Pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow and joy is joy, which I find funny because we are so willing to share everything that is good in our lives but not that which feels bad. I believe we don't allow ourselves enough room just to be people.

On a side note my husband and I have decided that together we will embark on a spiritual journey. We were in a book store yesterday and he found something that we both have agreed is an "assignment" from God, kind of like a 10 minute cardio work out for someone who has been a couch potato all of their life. The book is called "One day my soul just opened up: 40 days and 40 nights toward spiritual strength and personal growth." I'm pretty excited to see what will happen. So starting tomorrow that will be my main focus and I look forward to sharing it.

xo

I see you

Chapter 4

There is something strangely amazing that happens when one realizes what is truly inside of them.

Take a look for yourself.


Pretty cool huh?

Me xo

Yellow

Chapter 3

"It is not because the truth is too difficult to see that we make mistakes... we make mistakes because the easiest and most comfortable course for us is to seek insight where it accords with our emotions - especially selfish ones."

- Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Today I decided that I was going to write about selfishness, not just as a personal thing, but as a general everybody has it kind of thing. Then I changed my mind. I sat here thinking about the best way to properly convey my thoughts on this matter, you know, my wise, deeply insightful thoughts and then I realized that my thoughts are neither wise nor deeply insightful, just mine. Over the years we train ourselves to think and behave in a specific way quite often unbeknownst to us. If you knew that every time someone told you that the yellow colour of your shirt was ugly, that your mind built a wall against not only that colour but to the opinion of others, would you go willingly with it? What if yellow was your favourite colour and all your life you loved it very much, would you throw it away? In the beginning it may be a very small wall, really just the height and width of the colour so at first that is all you are blocking, but the next time you get around to thinking about it the wall has expanded to the farthest reaches of your mind. Now every time you see the colour yellow you feel a sense of shame and guilt, every time someone makes a joke about that colour you feel embarrassed. Even as you move forward, you don't see the wall being built brick by brick in every area and aspect of your life. It trails behind you as you build your own Great Wall based on the opinion of the kids in Mrs. Ungers grade one class. How much of what you like is truly what you like and how much of what you don't is really you?

It's so strange to think that we block out so many things, a miracle could be staring us in the face but it's yellow so we can't see it.

Me xo

Misery Loves Company?

Chapter 2

I'm not sure about blogging etiquette, so I don't know if writing more than once a day is a faux pas, but here I am.

There is something very strange about us, people I mean. It seems as though people feel like they need to pass on their wise words if they think they know what situation you're in. Now I know that for the most part these people have good intentions but then there is the other part of me that thinks that they do it to get one up on you. Ridiculous right?

Perhaps it's because there are very few people in this world that I trust to do what is best for me. There is that self thing again. But if I'm being honest, and I am, I think that people say things like "been there, done that" to show off, like they know something I don't. Obviously this rant was brought on by such a comment, and it's not to say that I don't want to appreciate the advice, and I'm not trying to offend or hurt anybody but this is how it's going to be. I think it, I write it, that is the transparency that I am trying to achieve. So back to my point, when I read a comment like that I just get angry, which seems to be my theme for today. My immediate thoughts are defensive, this is my pain and my plight and nobody really knows how I feel or if they have in fact, been there. I had the same issue when I started seeing my doctor for my depression and he would tell me things like "This is more common than you think." or "Your mother used to say the same things.". It is not that I don't appreciate that there are many people who deal with something similar, often probably worse, and it's amazing to have those people to talk to but I am tired of being one in the billions. I want to be me, I want to know me and I want my problems to be mine.

It seems that I hold these issues with some pride, for the past 20 years they have been a part of me, they were my life. For almost all of my life so far these things have been ignored and I have had to hold my chin up and press through. I have no doubt that God was protecting my heart, he gave me the gift of forgiveness, up until now anyways. I stand with God to see my reflection in the mirror of truth and let me tell you it is not pretty. There are so many amazing people in my life who shower me with the highest compliments but there is a part of me that fears that they say these things not knowing what I see in this mirror. I understand that this is all a process and that God is working with me to rebuild my broken self but it isn't those things that I am interested in right now, right now I am trying to live in the moment and truly feel and identify all of the things that are hurting me. Right now I can say that I want God to change my life, that Jesus is alive in me but the truth of the moment is that I am dominated by fear, I gave it the power a long time ago and like an abusive relationship you can never just walk away. Fear is the puppet master and I just live out what it wants. In order to really turn my life over it is crucial that I face this fear, that I stop allowing it to plant seeds of doubt, guilt and sorrow. Every time I do this and write about all of these things I allow God to shine His light in those dark places and the fear disperses and scurries to the next darkest corner. One day I want my heart to be so full of all that is love, that the fear runs out of places to hide and then it will truly be gone.

Second time around not so bad. But now I find myself editing and that would defeat the purpose so there it is.

Me xo

Why I Am

Hi, welcome to my...Delete. This is the first time...Delete. I have never really considered...DELETE. DELETE. DELETE.

Why is it so hard to find the words for one measly sentence at the beginning of a would be, incredibly lengthy blog? Why is it that we find the first few words so important? Is it because we are concerned with the way we introduce ourselves to the vast unknown?

Hi! This is me.


I decided to start this blog for three reasons: It is becoming increasingly more difficult to talk to God with a head so full of crap; I need an outlet for my crazy ranting, if there is a chance that my words can help someone else I want to take it.

I have also decided that this is going to be a honest, true and very real account of my life as it is. It's going to be hard and more than just a little bit awkward, but it's important for me. I will not add anything to make others think I'm good, nor will I take anything away to make others think I'm good. Anyone who reads this will be reading my personal truth and all of the wonderful and awful things that go along with it.

My stomach is already churning at the idea of exposing myself and I know that for quite awhile after I post this it will cause me great discomfort. First, I have something to say to anyone who reads this and already knows me: If there are things you read here that are new, or things you didn't know about me, please understand that I did not withhold this information from you on purpose.

Chapter One

"To gain complete honesty, it is important to let go of all of your fears and defense mechanisms."

I am depressed. Not like Emo depressed, but clinically, I have a depressive disorder. Oh, and anxiety.

Reality hit me today when I was chatting with my Ry (my husband) and told him that I was bummed. Our fridge was broken and the landlord was coming to replace it, I was tired and annoyed because I had to take everything out of it and off of it. My Ry calls to tell me that they'll be late and I freaked. I was boiling mad, you know, the kind of mad that makes you feel as though your chest will explode. I had just taken everything out of the stupid fridge and now I had to put it back in and do it again later. I wanted to yell but I didn't have anyone to yell at and that made me even more furious. I made a coffee and it was gross. I wanted to sleep.

It was when I was chatting to my Ry that the truth of it hit me; today I was in the business of self. I didn't care if there were things I could be doing to make myself feel better; I didn't care if I had the power to step away from the anger. I didn't want to.
It was kind of strange because it wasn't really like I didn't want to, it wasn't a conscious desire to wallow in self pity, it was something that just kind of happened. I think the most disturbing part is that I have been letting this happen to me for so long that I can't even remember when it started.

There are so many things that we do in a day, so often on auto-pilot, that we never know what we are actually doing. Sure, you're doing the dishes or folding laundry, but what are you really doing? I stood at the fridge today, putting everything back in but that was merely the physical of what I was doing. I was actually scanning my memory for things that would fuel my anger and making silent statements that justified it. Like that time that the landlord was supposed to come and fix the tap, we put in a work order weeks ago and they still hadn't done it. How dare they change their schedule and screw with my day when clearly they already owe me something. What I was really doing was sabotaging myself and setting myself up for a really crap day that always came back to the fridge. Now the broken fridge is gone and a new one is in its place, it's all over but I'm still angry.

I think that is all I will write for now.

Now it is time to publish and I can't even begin to describe the amount of stress and anxiety I feel just thinking about it. This me letting go of fear, stepping out from behind the shroud I have been hiding behind for so long. My fear has protected me from all of the things I thought would hurt me but it also blinds me so I spend all of my life afraid of everything, and I mean that literally. So here I am, vulnerable and exposed and I hate it.

Me xo