Breathe me

Someone shared a song with me today and I can't believe how amazing the timing was. I want to share the lyrics because they are so raw and real and speak very clearly of the way I feel when I am down. I am also including a link to the song. This is intense.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghPcYqn0p4Y

Breathe Me - Sia

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
I hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Ouch

I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

Oh snap.

I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Today I have been very paranoid, afraid of being sick. I have a rash on my arm, it's got to be cancer. I ran out of breath walking up the stairs, I'm sure I have some kind of heart defect. I have a sore spot on the side of my head, brain tumor. Ridiculous, yep! Exhausting, so very, very exhausting.

If you have ever experienced a depression you know the feeling of not physically being able to do a simple chore. I stare at the pile of dishes that needs to be done but I have lost the button for the part of my brain that will let me do that. I realized today why this happens to me, my brain is far too busy being paranoid. If my brain were a room and I stood on one side and the sink was on the other there are about 10 000 people in the middle. Not only are there people but they wont stop talking and I can't get through them.

Why are there so many people? Because I was thrown into a panic. I found myself in a situation that was new for me, I found myself exposed and I didn't know what to do with it. There is a part of me that says "Yeah! Let's do this!" but the rest of me tries to run.

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I have a need to be sick. I don't know who I am if there is not something wrong with me. If there is something wrong with me then people care about me. If people care about me I feel satisfied. Nope, not satisfied, latched on. If I can latch on then I will have a boat of new problems that need my attention. If I have more problems I panic and part of me tries to run away and then I get paranoid and sick.

Having something to cope with is my coping mechanism and let me tell you it is awful. It makes days like today feel like they've lasted a week.

I am so tired of feeling this way, I am so tired of being tired.

With all of that being said you shouldn't be surprised to learn that I am an egomaniac. I need so desperately to be needed that I spend most of my time thinking about me. In my mind I am much larger than I am in real life.

That was a hard one to swallow.

So are the days of my life.

What a night

I didn't sleep last night, not because I didn't want to, not because I wasn't tired but because I was scared. I didn't sleep for more than two hours, every time I did fall asleep I had a nightmare.
Now I have never been someone who had typical dreams, ever since I can remember they have been really intense. The first scary dream I can remember having was when I was five. If you ever want to know more, just ask.

I am assuming that last night's pattern of bad dreams stems from a couple of things, the sleeping medication I am on and a scary movie Ryan watched at the beginning of the week. Trying to justify it doesn't make me feel better though because there was something different about these dreams, I was really scared.

Every evening I take medication to sleep and until now it has been fine, but last night felt different. I was happy and tired when I went up to bed at 11pm, I listened to some music and went to sleep. At one point when I was listening to music, Claudia started talking in her sleep and it freaked me out a bit, but no big deal.

I can't say exactly what happened but I will do my best to explain.

I was dreaming that I was in a house, a dark, cold house. There were a few people with me, some sort of a group consisting of people who were all working toward the same goal. The atmosphere was still and thick, these people were worried. The next thing I remember was kneeling on a hardwood floor, panicked. Next to me was a man, I didn't see his face and I don't remember feeling anything from him. In front of us was an infant, wrapped up on a pillow. I could hear people talking about someone dying (at the time I believed they were talking about my Gramma, I see now that it was another old woman.). These people kept asking if she was dead yet and the man next to me was telling them it hadn't happened yet but it would happen soon. I couldn't stand the idea of watching or hearing someone die. I woke up.
My heart was pounding and I was sad, but I got over it, snuggled closer to Ryan and went back to sleep.

Now I was on the porch of a motor home with the same group of people and they were afraid. Someone was on the ground and I went to them. It was a woman and her eyes were closed, the grass was wet and she wasn't breathing. I picked up her head and held it in my hands and I cried. Everyone on the porch was aware of what had happened but they did nothing, they all just stood there, afraid. Before I got up to get help I kissed the eyelids of the woman I was holding, as I did this a giant WOOSH of air blew past my head and one of the women on the porch fell to the ground. Everyone started screaming. The woman who had fallen got up a few seconds later, she looked straight at me and smiled, a rotten, terrible smile. Her eyes were black, her teeth were rotten and she spoke with a horrible voice. I woke up.

This time I went straight for the light and sat up. I was nearly in tears because I was so afraid. My eyes darted around the room searching for something. Ryan woke up enough to ask me what was wrong, I told him that I couldn't sleep in our room anymore. It was 12:30am when I went downstairs and turned on the tv. I poured myself a bowl of cereal, logged on to Facebook and watched "Primary Colours". It was 3:30am when Ryan came down the stairs and asked me to come back to bed. Considering three hours had passed and I kept myself busy I assumed my mind had forgotten. I was wrong. I fell asleep quickly but not for long.

This time I was in an apartment, still with the same people and I knew this time that I didn't want to be there. I thought about leaving the apartment and running. I opened the door and looked out into the hall, most of the lights were out but at the end of the hallway there was a mirror and I saw the refection of the back of an old woman. She was wearing a nightgown that came just above her knee, her hair was waist long, grey and messy. Although I couldn't see more than that I was afraid of her so I closed the door and returned to the apartment. The group was sitting on high stools in a semi circle in the dining room, I went into the kitchen. It was then that I heard that awful voice again, a voice that was deep, raspy, condescending and harsh. One of the women in the group began speaking firmly to it only to be dismissed. I heard the voice say "I want to speak to the one who kissed my eyes." I screamed. I woke up.

This time I was actually shaking. I couldn't believe it happened again. I was still for a moment and I closed my eyes but on my eyelids I saw her face. I woke Ryan this time. I turned on the lamp and he suggest I read something nice but I was too tired to read and too afraid to sleep.

In order to understand what happened next I must give you a brief history of a dream I had when I was no older than eleven.

I stood in front of a burning hospital, I could hear people calling for help. I felt a hand and I turned to my left and there stood Jesus. He asked that I accompany him into the hospital, I told him I was afraid to get burnt. He smiled and told me not to worry, as long as I stayed by His side I would not suffer so much as a minor blister. We walked through the fire into the hospital where people were burning but everyone that Jesus passed stopped burning and left the hospital unharmed. There was a particular room He wanted to go to, and when we walked in there was a woman lying on her bed, her hospital gown on backwards and open exposing her entire body. Jesus lifted her over His shoulder and took both of us back to my house. He put her down on my bed and told me He had to go somewhere but he would return very soon. I sat in my room watching the woman sleeping in my bed. Soon she began tossing and mumbling, her tossing soon turned to writhing and I saw a bubble appear on the bottom of my bedroom wall. The bubble began moving horizontally across the wall and withing seconds my room was on fire. Jesus came running through the door, threw the woman over His shoulder and ran from my room, I ran after Him but I couldn't keep up. I went back to my room and found two chocolate hearts on my pillow that said "Jesus loves you" and I cried. I actually woke up crying because I wanted Him to come back.

Now I can better explain to you what happened after the third time I woke up last night. It was 5:00am and I was staring at the ceiling and thinking, I guess silently speaking to Jesus. I was thinking about that dream and I thought "If you would please come back and do that again I know I would feel better. I am so afraid right now, I need you to come back to my dream." I fell asleep again.

This time I was in Toronto, it was busy and people were happy, there was some sort of celebration being broadcast on the news. I was among many just strolling down the street enjoying the people and window shopping, I even went in to a store or two. When I came out of a store I noticed a young woman in a purple robe smiling at me, she began singing. I kept walking and just a few feet away there was another young person wearing a purple robe singing the same song. Soon the song filled the air so I heard nothing else. There were hundreds of people lining the streets in their purple robes singing the most beautiful song I had ever heard. I remember thinking to myself "I hope I can youtube this so Ryan can hear it."
The way these people stood created a path for me to follow, all the way with song and warm smiles. The path ended at the side of a building with the largest painting of Jesus I had ever seen looking more welcoming and peaceful than I had ever seen Him. He was smiling at me and I felt safe and comforted. I woke up, to the alarm going off at 7:00am. I was still very tired and shaken but hopeful and happy.

I am sorry that was so long! Thanks for reading it anyways!

Life is...

There are times in life when we seem to be so alive and in love with everything.

I have been spending time with myself, without distraction, without thought, and maybe it's the spring weather or the beautiful sunshine but I have fallen in love.

This life is a lot more romantic than many believe it to be. Everyday we wake up greeted by life. As your eyes open your heart picks up it's pace and sends warmth and life coursing through your body, new breath, new blood, a new day. Everyday we wake up and life wants nothing more than to welcome us, wants us to live it, in it and with it. Imagine your life was your partner and when you opened your eyes every morning you were greeted with a smile, a hug, a kiss. No stress, no judgement only love and acceptance. So many of us ask for this, long for a partner who can give us only happiness and love without realizing that you have what you seek. Your life is your greatest partner, the only one who will be there until the end, the only one who will give you what you need.
When you leave your home to go to work or school, your life goes with you, smiling all the way. We encounter problems, we get sad and it is your life that cries with you and wraps you in the greatest love. Only your life can understand you for who you really are. When you are sick it is your life that fights for you, your heart beats with determination everyday, in sickness and in health. Your life is your best friend.

Unfortunately for most of us we don't see it or pay attention. When we wake up and our life smiles we spit at it because we're tired. When we go to work and life dances along to all of the majesty surrounding us, we scoff, we don't see anything majestic, just chaos, trash and inconvenience. When we are hurt and life cries and comforts us we push it away because after all it is life's fault that we feel like this in the first place. When we are happy and want to celebrate life, we feed our bodies things that numb life, that shorten life.

Yet no matter how we abuse our lives, no matter how many times we stomp on it or call it useless it still smiles at us every morning, it still loves you through everything, your heart still beats.

It's sad that we don't love our lives as much as they love us.

Everyday, every hour, every moment is a new beginning, let life show you what you have to be grateful for.

Think of the love you have for the lives of others, feel your heart swell with overwhelming joy at the thought of a loved one living their life fully.

Your life loves you even more than that.

I call my life God, you may call your life something different but through everything, at the centre of it all, your life is love.