Chapter 5
I have been learning a lot about perception the past few days.
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- William Shakespeare
It is this principle that has helped me through so much lately. Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it is bad, just because it feels good doesn't make it good, just because you say it is doesn't mean I have to agree with you.
The other day I wrote about the things that other people say, specifically "been there" or "done that" and how I find it incredibly frustrating and demeaning. When I wrote that it was absolutely true to me and this is about my truth of the moment. For most of my life I have held secret all of the things that hurt me or made me angry, I acted as though things were always ok, but on the inside I felt the anger. Inside I had many conversations with my angry counterpart which led to a growing hostility toward not only certain people but a entire demographic of people. Because I had been lied to so many times and because I lied to others so often I assumed everyone was lying all of the time. Because I lived in a place where people so often faked compassion, I assumed that nobody actually cared. Because I lived a life with someone who was only ever concerned with themselves, I too became selfish and never trusted the motives of anyone. There was a time when most of these things ceased to exist in my exterior world but raged on and grew in my interior. So through my own reality filter I saw a world of liars, cheats and self centered people. When I finally started to meet people that I trusted and really loved found myself becoming desperate to keep them, which spawned an entirely new set of problems. Now I had taken everyone important in my life and given them a specific role to play, and when they couldn't follow through I blamed myself for not being good enough, not loving them enough. I have always been very defensive because I always assumed that people were trying to hurt me so when the comment "been there" was made the way I saw it didn't necessarily reflect the intended meaning. I didn't see someone on the other end who was empathetic to what I was feeling, I didn't see someone opening their heart to me. I saw someone with a sneer on their face waving their hand in dismissal, someone who was trying to tell me that my problems were nothing compared to their own. All of that out of two words, "been there".
There is still a very large part of me the believes that nobody knows what I am going through or what I feel, perhaps I believe they do know but I don't want to share this with them. I have seen a truth that I can no longer deny; no matter what specific situation brought us here what we feel is the same. Pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow and joy is joy, which I find funny because we are so willing to share everything that is good in our lives but not that which feels bad. I believe we don't allow ourselves enough room just to be people.
On a side note my husband and I have decided that together we will embark on a spiritual journey. We were in a book store yesterday and he found something that we both have agreed is an "assignment" from God, kind of like a 10 minute cardio work out for someone who has been a couch potato all of their life. The book is called "One day my soul just opened up: 40 days and 40 nights toward spiritual strength and personal growth." I'm pretty excited to see what will happen. So starting tomorrow that will be my main focus and I look forward to sharing it.
xo
"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
- William Shakespeare
It is this principle that has helped me through so much lately. Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it is bad, just because it feels good doesn't make it good, just because you say it is doesn't mean I have to agree with you.
The other day I wrote about the things that other people say, specifically "been there" or "done that" and how I find it incredibly frustrating and demeaning. When I wrote that it was absolutely true to me and this is about my truth of the moment. For most of my life I have held secret all of the things that hurt me or made me angry, I acted as though things were always ok, but on the inside I felt the anger. Inside I had many conversations with my angry counterpart which led to a growing hostility toward not only certain people but a entire demographic of people. Because I had been lied to so many times and because I lied to others so often I assumed everyone was lying all of the time. Because I lived in a place where people so often faked compassion, I assumed that nobody actually cared. Because I lived a life with someone who was only ever concerned with themselves, I too became selfish and never trusted the motives of anyone. There was a time when most of these things ceased to exist in my exterior world but raged on and grew in my interior. So through my own reality filter I saw a world of liars, cheats and self centered people. When I finally started to meet people that I trusted and really loved found myself becoming desperate to keep them, which spawned an entirely new set of problems. Now I had taken everyone important in my life and given them a specific role to play, and when they couldn't follow through I blamed myself for not being good enough, not loving them enough. I have always been very defensive because I always assumed that people were trying to hurt me so when the comment "been there" was made the way I saw it didn't necessarily reflect the intended meaning. I didn't see someone on the other end who was empathetic to what I was feeling, I didn't see someone opening their heart to me. I saw someone with a sneer on their face waving their hand in dismissal, someone who was trying to tell me that my problems were nothing compared to their own. All of that out of two words, "been there".
There is still a very large part of me the believes that nobody knows what I am going through or what I feel, perhaps I believe they do know but I don't want to share this with them. I have seen a truth that I can no longer deny; no matter what specific situation brought us here what we feel is the same. Pain is pain, sorrow is sorrow and joy is joy, which I find funny because we are so willing to share everything that is good in our lives but not that which feels bad. I believe we don't allow ourselves enough room just to be people.
On a side note my husband and I have decided that together we will embark on a spiritual journey. We were in a book store yesterday and he found something that we both have agreed is an "assignment" from God, kind of like a 10 minute cardio work out for someone who has been a couch potato all of their life. The book is called "One day my soul just opened up: 40 days and 40 nights toward spiritual strength and personal growth." I'm pretty excited to see what will happen. So starting tomorrow that will be my main focus and I look forward to sharing it.
xo
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