Upon Reflection

I know, three in one day is a little extreme, but I really wanted to share something important. Although today kind of went from really high to really low, I think that it is going to end on a relatively neutral note. I knew when I started to feel badly that it was an opportunity to learn something. I realize now what (I think) that something was. I always thought that an opportunity like this would be a chance to move through the bad feelings, calm down and come out on the other side. While for others, or in my future that might be true, today it was not. I believe the purpose of my craziness was to reveal a pattern. I made a prayer this morning that I learn as much about truth and trust that I could possibly learn in one day. That seems like a pretty good prayer until you realize what you are actually asking for. When you ask God to teach you about truth and trust he doesn't send you a text book. It makes me think about cognitive behavioral therapy, you are put directly into the situation that makes you feel bad, or scared, or insecure as in my own case, and taught in the midst of it how to deal.

Here is what I went through, and currently go through often, when something happens that makes me feel guilty, ashamed, inadequate or really any combination of a thousand different things: It starts with the insecurity that I spoke about in my earlier post, I feel as though I have done something that wasn't worth anything. Second I try to rationalize and take time out to make myself feel better but it results in more nervousness as I think back on the day. Today it was a sense of foolishness that I had used scripture because I have no idea what I am doing. Now I am feeling like a wanna be, as though I'm in a place where I don't belong. Next I take a shower and before I even have time to think about it I'm pulling out the scale, it seems that once I am in this "mood thing" it's a downward spiral. I look at the numbers the scale is showing and feel my self confidence fall even further, if that's even possible. I go to meet my dear friend for coffee and sit in a booth thinking that the entire world is staring at me knowing just how much of an untalented, stupid, wanna be, heffer I really am.
I don't believe those things, at least not at this moment, I do believe that I was being given an opportunity to clearly see in a detached sort of way, what was happening. Maybe now that I know what this pattern looks like I will be able to recognize it before it becomes a problem and work it out. I guess only time will tell.

love