Day Three
Prayer
Prayer
Oh dear, yet another thing that I really know nothing about.
I understand the idea and basic principle behind prayer, I know what it's supposed to do. The thing is that I don't really know if it does what it's supposed to do, at least not for me.
I have been praying since I was a little kid but back then I didn't expect anything to happen. I would pray that all of the people I loved were blessed and that I wouldn't die while I slept. I grew up in a family that didn't really seem to believe much of anything, I think that I went to a bible camp once with a neighbour for a day, but that's as far as it ever went. I think that in some ways I am happy that I grew up that way because it gave me the chance to find what I believed for myself. I have known God for many years and I could recognize Him in many places in my life but I have never really known how to talk to Him.
There was a day not so long ago, when I was in church, which doesn't happen often, and the pastor called to everyone to find someone and pray for them or with them, I'm not sure. Everyone stood up and moved around the church, held on to each other and prayed. I was very apprehensive about this because I had issues with insecurity so I moved very slowly hoping that I wouldn't have to approach anyone, that maybe someone would find me. It didn't happen, it actually turned out that I was the only person in the church without a partner to pray with. I stood at the edge of the room and watched everybody and cried a little. It was at that moment in time that I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my whole life, even today it hurts me deeply when I think about it. I felt like I was a little kid with no friends, in Gods house non the less, and I was angry, ashamed and embarrassed.
I really don't even know how to finish that, I think I caught myself off guard.
Prayer is definitely something I need to learn more about.
love
I understand the idea and basic principle behind prayer, I know what it's supposed to do. The thing is that I don't really know if it does what it's supposed to do, at least not for me.
I have been praying since I was a little kid but back then I didn't expect anything to happen. I would pray that all of the people I loved were blessed and that I wouldn't die while I slept. I grew up in a family that didn't really seem to believe much of anything, I think that I went to a bible camp once with a neighbour for a day, but that's as far as it ever went. I think that in some ways I am happy that I grew up that way because it gave me the chance to find what I believed for myself. I have known God for many years and I could recognize Him in many places in my life but I have never really known how to talk to Him.
There was a day not so long ago, when I was in church, which doesn't happen often, and the pastor called to everyone to find someone and pray for them or with them, I'm not sure. Everyone stood up and moved around the church, held on to each other and prayed. I was very apprehensive about this because I had issues with insecurity so I moved very slowly hoping that I wouldn't have to approach anyone, that maybe someone would find me. It didn't happen, it actually turned out that I was the only person in the church without a partner to pray with. I stood at the edge of the room and watched everybody and cried a little. It was at that moment in time that I felt the loneliest I have ever felt in my whole life, even today it hurts me deeply when I think about it. I felt like I was a little kid with no friends, in Gods house non the less, and I was angry, ashamed and embarrassed.
I really don't even know how to finish that, I think I caught myself off guard.
Prayer is definitely something I need to learn more about.
love
I came across your blog randomly, and wanted to thank you for your frank sharing. I have a friend with depression/anxiety - and honestly your writing has helped me understand her better. Secondly, the reason why I'm writing at all, is my stomach dropped when i read this post on prayer - I go to church (and have for years) and honestly I love to pray...but i would have been one of the insecure people who would look for anyone i already know to pray for. Now I realize by being a coward there would be people standing alone, feeling the way you felt in a place where that should just not happen - so hopefully next time, I will remember to have courage, and look for a new face to introduce myself to and pray with, in your honor.
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