Why I Am

Hi, welcome to my...Delete. This is the first time...Delete. I have never really considered...DELETE. DELETE. DELETE.

Why is it so hard to find the words for one measly sentence at the beginning of a would be, incredibly lengthy blog? Why is it that we find the first few words so important? Is it because we are concerned with the way we introduce ourselves to the vast unknown?

Hi! This is me.


I decided to start this blog for three reasons: It is becoming increasingly more difficult to talk to God with a head so full of crap; I need an outlet for my crazy ranting, if there is a chance that my words can help someone else I want to take it.

I have also decided that this is going to be a honest, true and very real account of my life as it is. It's going to be hard and more than just a little bit awkward, but it's important for me. I will not add anything to make others think I'm good, nor will I take anything away to make others think I'm good. Anyone who reads this will be reading my personal truth and all of the wonderful and awful things that go along with it.

My stomach is already churning at the idea of exposing myself and I know that for quite awhile after I post this it will cause me great discomfort. First, I have something to say to anyone who reads this and already knows me: If there are things you read here that are new, or things you didn't know about me, please understand that I did not withhold this information from you on purpose.

Chapter One

"To gain complete honesty, it is important to let go of all of your fears and defense mechanisms."

I am depressed. Not like Emo depressed, but clinically, I have a depressive disorder. Oh, and anxiety.

Reality hit me today when I was chatting with my Ry (my husband) and told him that I was bummed. Our fridge was broken and the landlord was coming to replace it, I was tired and annoyed because I had to take everything out of it and off of it. My Ry calls to tell me that they'll be late and I freaked. I was boiling mad, you know, the kind of mad that makes you feel as though your chest will explode. I had just taken everything out of the stupid fridge and now I had to put it back in and do it again later. I wanted to yell but I didn't have anyone to yell at and that made me even more furious. I made a coffee and it was gross. I wanted to sleep.

It was when I was chatting to my Ry that the truth of it hit me; today I was in the business of self. I didn't care if there were things I could be doing to make myself feel better; I didn't care if I had the power to step away from the anger. I didn't want to.
It was kind of strange because it wasn't really like I didn't want to, it wasn't a conscious desire to wallow in self pity, it was something that just kind of happened. I think the most disturbing part is that I have been letting this happen to me for so long that I can't even remember when it started.

There are so many things that we do in a day, so often on auto-pilot, that we never know what we are actually doing. Sure, you're doing the dishes or folding laundry, but what are you really doing? I stood at the fridge today, putting everything back in but that was merely the physical of what I was doing. I was actually scanning my memory for things that would fuel my anger and making silent statements that justified it. Like that time that the landlord was supposed to come and fix the tap, we put in a work order weeks ago and they still hadn't done it. How dare they change their schedule and screw with my day when clearly they already owe me something. What I was really doing was sabotaging myself and setting myself up for a really crap day that always came back to the fridge. Now the broken fridge is gone and a new one is in its place, it's all over but I'm still angry.

I think that is all I will write for now.

Now it is time to publish and I can't even begin to describe the amount of stress and anxiety I feel just thinking about it. This me letting go of fear, stepping out from behind the shroud I have been hiding behind for so long. My fear has protected me from all of the things I thought would hurt me but it also blinds me so I spend all of my life afraid of everything, and I mean that literally. So here I am, vulnerable and exposed and I hate it.

Me xo