Misery Loves Company?

Chapter 2

I'm not sure about blogging etiquette, so I don't know if writing more than once a day is a faux pas, but here I am.

There is something very strange about us, people I mean. It seems as though people feel like they need to pass on their wise words if they think they know what situation you're in. Now I know that for the most part these people have good intentions but then there is the other part of me that thinks that they do it to get one up on you. Ridiculous right?

Perhaps it's because there are very few people in this world that I trust to do what is best for me. There is that self thing again. But if I'm being honest, and I am, I think that people say things like "been there, done that" to show off, like they know something I don't. Obviously this rant was brought on by such a comment, and it's not to say that I don't want to appreciate the advice, and I'm not trying to offend or hurt anybody but this is how it's going to be. I think it, I write it, that is the transparency that I am trying to achieve. So back to my point, when I read a comment like that I just get angry, which seems to be my theme for today. My immediate thoughts are defensive, this is my pain and my plight and nobody really knows how I feel or if they have in fact, been there. I had the same issue when I started seeing my doctor for my depression and he would tell me things like "This is more common than you think." or "Your mother used to say the same things.". It is not that I don't appreciate that there are many people who deal with something similar, often probably worse, and it's amazing to have those people to talk to but I am tired of being one in the billions. I want to be me, I want to know me and I want my problems to be mine.

It seems that I hold these issues with some pride, for the past 20 years they have been a part of me, they were my life. For almost all of my life so far these things have been ignored and I have had to hold my chin up and press through. I have no doubt that God was protecting my heart, he gave me the gift of forgiveness, up until now anyways. I stand with God to see my reflection in the mirror of truth and let me tell you it is not pretty. There are so many amazing people in my life who shower me with the highest compliments but there is a part of me that fears that they say these things not knowing what I see in this mirror. I understand that this is all a process and that God is working with me to rebuild my broken self but it isn't those things that I am interested in right now, right now I am trying to live in the moment and truly feel and identify all of the things that are hurting me. Right now I can say that I want God to change my life, that Jesus is alive in me but the truth of the moment is that I am dominated by fear, I gave it the power a long time ago and like an abusive relationship you can never just walk away. Fear is the puppet master and I just live out what it wants. In order to really turn my life over it is crucial that I face this fear, that I stop allowing it to plant seeds of doubt, guilt and sorrow. Every time I do this and write about all of these things I allow God to shine His light in those dark places and the fear disperses and scurries to the next darkest corner. One day I want my heart to be so full of all that is love, that the fear runs out of places to hide and then it will truly be gone.

Second time around not so bad. But now I find myself editing and that would defeat the purpose so there it is.

Me xo